Last month I had to write a "Faith Narrative" to be sent along with my application to be received as a Candidate for the Order of Ministry.  I thought I would include it here for everyone to read.  I had to include a great many points so it's not as fluid or harmonious as I would have liked, but it covered everything that I needed to.  I haven't fixed any of the grammar errors or punctuation mistakes.  I just cut and pasted it from the Word Document.  I reread it today for the first time since early December and I already don't like what I wrote and I'm a little ticked that this is now going to follow me around for a while as the story of my Faith Journey.

I have sat down to write the story of my faith journey about a dozen times now.  I have typed and deleted, printed and erased, hesitated and delayed.  It’s hard to pin it all down.  After all I have been working on this story my whole life.  It is intimidating to put into words something so personal, ever changing, and often indescribable.  It is with all this in mind and with some trepidation I begin to tell my story.

When I was a child at church, I always pictured myself at the front leading worship.  Always.  Even when I was six years old and had no idea what was going on.  As I aged I tried to ignore this confusing fantasy more and more.  I thought, “what kind of a fantasy is this?”  I was convinced that while children were at church they were supposed to daydream about rocket ships or days at the beach; not picturing themselves leading prayer or wearing a stole.  It was even more confusing for me because I also spent a portion of my childhood time in pews trying to convince myself that God did not exist, that he could not exist.  It was a lot to think about as a youngster.

Looking back, it seems like a crazy internal dialogue to have had.  And it was.  I felt a Divine calling and yet the secular was pulling me in the opposite direction.  I played both sides of the field for quite a few years.  Reverently faith filled one week and unabashed non-believer the next.  By the time I arrived at adolescence I was firmly a Christian.  I loved church and being part of a larger community. While there were many questions and concerns about the Christian Faith I felt I had found the place where I belonged.  When I was 15 I had a self propelled urge to be Confirmed.  The public declaration of my beliefs through Confirmation was a wonderful experience for me.  I felt honoured to not only announce my belief in Jesus and my commitment to follow Him, but to also formally become a part of my faith community in an adult capacity.  I was excited to begin this journey of Faith that had begun with my baptism and the vows that my mother and father had made when I was a baby.

As I entered University I somehow ended up majoring in Religious Studies.  In my eyes this academic discipline served to poke holes in Scripture and to cause me doubt.  It took some time, but in the end I did not feel distanced from the texts.  Rather, I felt closer—more drawn to them.  I wanted to learn more and know more.  After graduation I registered in the MDiv program and completed one course.  In the middle of taking this course my life was upturned and I did not proceed with the program.  The next year was difficult for me.  I struggled with a variety of issues including a failed 10 year relationship.  These problems led to an internal spiritual struggle.  I think at this point in my life I felt the furthest away from the Love and Protection of the Divine.  It was a year of sadness, depression, and excesses for me.  Looking back, I think that at that time I was at my lowest and felt like God had turned his back on me.  However, instead of working on myself and looking inside to figure out why I was feeling this way I simply chose to ignore my problems.  I spent that year rebelling (although I did not know what I was rebelling from) in meaningless self-destruction.

Everything turned around when I met my husband.  It was a whirlwind exciting time in my life.  We were married 4 months after meeting in December and in June my son was born.  All the changes were difficult, but exhilarating at the same time.  I felt the love of another individual that I had so desperately sought and I was able to recognize that this was made possible by God.  I witnessed the miracle of a new life coming into the world and was astounded by seeing the Love of God in Action. 

Shortly after the birth of my son, my Mom woke up one morning and was paralyzed from the chest down.  She spent about 6 months in the hospital as she regained feeling and learned how to walk and function again with limited mobility.  My whole family experienced many issues during this time.  The issues ranged from poor communication from the medical community, lack of support from other friends and family members, feelings of fear and confusion, and a very imperfect medical system.  It was during this horrible time in the midst of all these problems that I began to feel like there was something I should be doing to help alleviate others from going through a similar situation.  I just wasn’t sure what that something was supposed to be.  The physicians were never able to fully diagnose my mother, but only would say that her recovery was miraculous.  Today my mother works part time, only walks with a cane, drives, and is able to live on her own.

Over the years I have come to find great peace and comfort in worship services.  I have enjoyed participating in the life and work of my congregation.  I definitely enjoy learning about the Bible and Christianity and spending time in personal reflection.  One year ago I accepted the position of  FSM Co-ordinator and have been working with families and children to learn about God and Jesus and to make connections with others in our congregation.  FSM has a monthly intergenerational worship service that I organize and preside over.  We also have monthly activities that I co-ordinate and facilitate.  FSM has been a wonderful experience for me.  I enjoy working with our minister and being with the children.

While my call to Ministry has not been dramatic, it has grown slowly over the years.  If I were to attempt to describe the feeling in words I would have said that the feeling had become “louder” and that it began to feel like an invisible but firm “push”.  The loudness and physicality had become difficult to ignore.  It seemed like there were messages or signs urging me to voice what I was feeling.  I remember attending one funeral and hearing the minister preach about how we are called by God to walk different paths.  He spoke at length about how the deceased had been called to carpentry and to make beautiful items out of wood.  He told us all that the deceased had even left a successful career in the financial field to pursue carpentry.  As he talked about this, all I could think of was that I felt that I should be following a different path.  I felt that I should be listening to what I had been feeling and ignoring all these years.  This realization felt impossible and yet possible.  It was that night that I confessed to my Minister that I had felt a call by God.

In terms of what Ministry and the different streams mean to me I like to keep the answer simple.  Simply put I believe that we are called to be Disciples of Christ and carry out his work by using the gifts and skills we have been given by God.  I believe that God calls some individuals to serve as leaders within the Faith Community.  Out of those called to leadership roles, some move forward into paid accountable ministry.  I also understand that paid accountable ministry can take a variety of forms including but not limited to working in the community, serving in hospitals, teaching the Gospel, giving pastoral care, and in leading worship.  I feel that the “Song of Faith” describes what Ministry is in simple, yet profound words in the following,

“We are each given particular gifts of the Spirit./For the sake of the world,/God calls all followers of Jesus to Christian ministry./In the church,/some are called to specific ministries of leadership,/both lay and ordered;/some witness to the good news;/some uphold the art of worship;/some comfort the grieving and guide the wandering;/some build up the community of wisdom;/some stand with the oppressed and work for justice./To embody God’s love in the world,/the work of the church requires the ministry and discipleship/of all believers.”

I believe that God is the creator of all.  All that is seen and all that we cannot see.  I believe that his son, Jesus Christ was born here on Earth and delivered his message of love and grace and eternal life to all people.  I believe Christ was put to death and on the third day he was resurrected.  I believe the Scriptures speak to the Word of the Lord.  I believe that God’s love shines upon us all.  He is our caregiver and I feel connected to this Holiness.  It’s harder to describe how I experience God.  I feel God is in everything.  I feel he is like a steady heartbeat that is inside everything, everyone, and envelopes us.  I see God in my son.  In all children.  I feel God in the quiet moments of prayer, in the joyous hymns of praise, in the shouts of children, in the recitation of Scripture, in the still of the night, in the rush of morning traffic.  When I close my eyes and open my heart I can almost feel the Divine presence inside of me, guiding me.

Over the last year I have learned that it is very difficult to talk about myself, my feelings, and my experiences with others.  While rewarding, it was hard to come prepared to each meeting knowing that I had to be ready to relate not only my reflections and thoughts concerning this process but also speak about events and behaviours from my past.  It was also difficult to have members of the committee change during the year, but it was also helpful to have a variety of perspectives and to hear so many life stories and different faith journeys.  The committee was very supportive and understanding as I dealt with my feelings and issues surrounding the death of my father.  I felt that as our meetings progressed we were able to achieve a conversational atmosphere rather then one of simply Question & Answer.  The conversational atmosphere helped us to speak about more personal issues and thoughts together as a group.  We talked about a variety of subjects including the cost of schooling, which I plan to fund in a variety of ways.  They include bursaries, scholarships, loans from a family member, and personal savings.  During this year as an Inquirer I spoke to my minister, quite often as I worked through each meetings topics/questions.  After completing the year long process I believe I have been blessed with the following gifts and skills:  compassion, love, patience, self-awareness, creativity, determination, maturity, and scholarship.

Peace in Christ,

~dinah 

I feel like I have always been overweight. But looking back at pictures from when I was 10-12 years old I realize that I wasn't overweight, I was just normal. In fact, in high school I wasn't really overweight either. It wasn't until I left high school that I started to gain weight. I got a job, I went to school, I lived at home, I had nothing to spend my money on so I ate. I ate out, I ate fast-food (heck, I worked in fast-food), I ate at restaurants, I ate delivery, I ate subs, burgers, nachos, you name it I ate at it and I ate it.

Eating became my 'thing'. It soothed me when relationships ended, it calmed me when I had a test to study for, it made me happy to eat out with friends, it gave me something to do when I was bored, it it was a game to see how much 'free' food I could snatch while working, and it was what you did when you were with family & friends.

Food had always had a special place in my life. My father is a great cook and we used make things together all the time and I always enjoyed the things he made. My family is Ukranian and Polish, so food is always abundant. In fact, it is love. You ate grandma's food to show you loved her and if you didn't, well--then that obviously meant you were mad at her. Friday nights were also wonderful in my food memory. We always went out for supper on Fridays. I remember spending all of Fridays in antipation of eating out. I loved spending time with my parents that way--talking and laughing and eating.

I've tried my share of 'diets'. I can't do them. I suck. End of story.

While I was pregnant with Andrew that was probably when I ate the healthiest. 3 squares, fruits, vegetables, cottage cheese, yogurt, and salads. I couldn't eat anything cooked so ate fresh, raw, wonderful salads. I (mostly) avoided the fast food and bad for you food. I gained quite a bit of weight (like 40 pounds) but Andrew was slightly under 10 lbs, I was incredibly swollen and was at my pre-pregnancy weight within 3 weeks of giving birth. I was so happy! Then slowly the weight started to creep back on...and yet I wasn't pregnant.

So this brings us where we are today. Fat. Morbidly Obese I believe is the correct term. I've recently procured a gym membership. I'm armed with the knowledge of how to eat right. I have the means to lose weight. I just must invited DISCIPLINE into my house as a permanent resident.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. All day long I think of half posts and things to say and then when I get home and have a minute to myself I have nothing to post about.

I'm more then weight and food and exercise and dieting. Really I am. I'm also more then a Mommy and a Wife. Really--I am.

Trouble is, I'm just having a tough time remembering what I really am these days.

The times they are a changin'--that's for sure.

1. I've applied for 2 jobs within the school division. They are higher classifications. I know what you're thinking--didn't she just start working at a new school? And indeed, the answer is yes. I started at a new school in November. I enjoy working where I am (my co-workers are sane, I'm good at what I do and I enjoy the kids, even though I might complain about them) and I'm not anxious to leave. I'm simply thinking about the bigger picture. I want to make more money and I want to have more responsiblity. Being in charge of student records and making 16.50 an hour (capping out at 17.85) just isn't cutting it anymore. I want more and I want it now! Hah. Plus the Division is going through a big time of change right now with all the baby boomers retiring. There is so much movement going on now would be a good time to move on up.

2. Steve has also applied for a new job. He's not enjoying where he's at right now and is looking to expand. But the problem is he's so vague about everything it's really bothering me. I find a warehouse job, he says he doesn't want to work in a warehouse, he wants to find an office job. So I find an office job...and you see where this going... Gah. He has a job interview tomorrow (the one job he applied for called him back--he is so lucky it hurts. I've got my fingers crossed. If not there are several other jobs that look promising.

3. We are looking to change the baby's daycare and I'm torn. Seriously torn. His present DCP, while satisfactory, has not been living up to my high standards. There was a large miscommunication between the two of us and while I accept responsibility I'm still upset by the situation. Essentially, I thought she was feeding him breakfast and she thought I was feeding him breakfast and in reality no one was feeding him breakfast. I feel so awful. There are other things that have started to bug me. Since the schools flood and our relocation she is very far away. I'm driving a total of 2 hours everyday. It's not fun. Not at all. Number one being that she isn't licensed. I knew that going in, but now it's bothering me. In September she is expecting 9 children. 9 CHILDREN!! 9!! All under the age of 3. That's not counting her one granddaughter who will be 4 and only there half time. Fuck. Andrew can't go there. How will she watch them all? What if something happens? What is she thnking? Anyways...I hurried home today after I found this out and went online and found a licensed daycare wayyyy closer to us. There are pros and there are cons of course. For example, she has a rather large TV in her living room and Steve is worried that Andrew will break it somehow b/c he's obsessed with TVs. Steve thinks we might be liable to pay to have it fixed. I'm worried about leaving him with someone I don't know (I've known the present DCP for 10 years). We're trying to decide what to do. ie. Wait and hope for a better daycare or go with this one. It's also more expensive (like 5 dollars a day more expensive) and the rate doesn't go down when he turns 2 like it does at most licensed facilities. Who knew it was this hard and this worrisome to be a parent?

4. I'm struggling with my weight and my size (as usual). I was lifting some weights the other day in front of the wall of mirrors and had nothing to look at but my fat, gross, ugly self. It's seriously easy to not notice weight gain and body changes if you don't have any full length mirrors at your house and you are in serious denial about what you have been eating. How is it that I can convince myself that I have been eating 'wellish' and expect to lose weight the reality is that I've had chips, dip, Rally Burgers, frys, pizza, chocolate, more chips, more crap, and more crap. Why?

Anyways...I'm liking my ticker. I'm liking the gym (except for the wall of mirrors in the weight area). I'm liking my job. I'm liking my marriage. I'm liking that it's almost Spring Break.

Damn, this is harder then it looks. I'm pretty much an open book so thinking of things that nobody knows about are tough.

1. I have a half sister. She lives in Kenora and I first found about her when I was 19. She is married and has 3 kids. She's also Mennonite--Strict Mennonite (no smoking, no drinking, no swearing, no dancing, no fun). I have nothing in common with her, her husband or any of her 3 children. We spend every major holiday together and secretly I call them "The Mennonites" and drink heavily after their holiday visits.

2. My favorite alcholohic drink is Miller Genuine Draft and Clamato Juice.

3. I have a stuffed animal that I still sleep with when I'm sick. He's Pink Dog and I've had him since birth. He's my friend. :P

4. I had my rebellious stage when I was 25. It was great fun to do it when a) I could afford to drink and party and b) was old enough to enjoy it.

5. It's my cousins social on Friday and I don't want to go.

I can't think of 5 people to tag, so I'm ending the game here. I suck big time and you can give me a hard time--I can take it.