Today, Andrew has a playdate with some of the Hitched kidlets. It will be nice to get out of the house and do something non-family related. Thankfully he decided to nap this morning, b/c he usually naps in the afternoon.

Tonight, Grandma and Grandpa are taking the baby overnight and Mommy and Daddy are having a Grown Up night!!!!!! We haven't had a night without the baby since our friends wedding (August, 2006). I'm so stoked right now.

Today I can't think about losing weight. I can't think about making healthy choices. Tonight we're going to the Olive Garden for Supper (Tour of Italy here I come!) and then we're going drinking with my Aunt that's in from out of town. :)

But I'm going to make one anyways. I've got to make one.

I am out of control. I have gained so much weight I'm scared to step on the scale. Barely any of my clothes fit anymore. I'm having breathing problems again. Everything feels like soooo much work.

I've got to make a resolution surrounding weight loss. I've got to make a change.

I will make a change. I will ask for help. I will eat well. I will exercise. I will shop well. I will do things well.

I will.

Andrew was lucky enough to have Santa come to his great-grandma's. He was too scared to sit on Santa's knee though. Mrs. Claus worked a lot better...

I'm going to start posting again.

Really.

I mean it this time.


Just not today.

Today I did 20 minutes of indepedent WATP moves while we were watching a movie. It's a good way to get exercise in considering how lazy I am.

Today, me and the fabulous Reagan went shopping for back to work clothes for me. That's right, in one week I am returning to work. I'm quite excited about it. I think it will be good for me and the baby. I'm definitely not SAHM material. I miss being with peers and doing things that have nothing to do with diapers. The Fabulous Reagan helped me find some very work appropriate clothes. Today I bought four tops, 1 park of slacks and 2 skirts. I spent double what i wanted to but I'm feeling very good about the clothes. They look good on me, they fit me well and they're young and hip. :)

Tomorrow I am going to make French Onion soup. I haven't made it in years so I hope it turns out. I've got my fingers crossed. Tomorrow they're going to reek of onions...ugh...I hate that smell. Ever since I worked at A&W and cut and peeled and rung about oh 50 pounds of onions every other day I cannot stand onion smell. It's too bad that all the good foods have onions in them...

Well, I should be off to bed. I'm going to try and blog more. I find that it helps me keep on track a little more. I guess it's the accoutability, even if it is anonymous accountability.

:)

Ok folks. i'm slowly creeping back on to the bandwagon. We're settled here, everythings unpacked. We've got a good routine going....and i've come to realize that half my clothes aren't fitting anymore. How sad is that? three months ago everything was fitting...and some of it was even loose. Now, I can only look at what is in my closet and in my drawers. But enough of that. This IS NOT going to be a pity party.

Today, early this morning right after I feed the baby breakfast, I did the 1 Mile Walk Away the Pounds DVD.

& MAN, is it harder then I remember it being. I was getting sore doing those arm raises. I don't remember them ever hurting before.

When I fell off the bandwagon I was doing the 2 Mile Walk and the 3 Milk Walk and thinking they were pieces of cake. I was even starting to look for harder, more complicated DVDS to do b/c my simple beginner ones weren't cutting it anymore. I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so good. Eating right, exercising, smiling more....and now I feel further behind then I was when I started before.

Today we're going grocery shopping. I've made a 2 week menu. It's not WW approved, but at least it's not chips and popcorn and pizza pops for two weeks. I've got things like french onion soup, spinach and artichoke dip, beef stew, and tomato rice soup on the menu. I'm representing the four food groups.

hubby's parents brought this for me on their trip here back in june. i've only just gotten a chance to look at it closely tonight.

so far on the line up i've got a chorizo and tomato omelette & quesadillas with guacamole on the menu. & i'm only a quarter of the way through. i just added spanish chickpea and chorizo soup & pasta bianco.

i've had to look a few things up on the net b/c he uses british words. i've now learned that rocket is arugala. & tagliatelle is another word for fettucine. who know? hubby sure as heck didn't and he's from there. :P

i sure do love the jamie. he definitely makes simple food so sexy.

oh beautiful sandwich of the grilled cheese how could i have forgotten about you yesterday. you with your wonderful cheesiness nestled between two toasty pieces of bread. i love you. you are warm and fuzzy and make me feel good. i love dipping you in ketchup. i love you with processed cheese or block cheese. cheddar or mozzarella. it doesn't matter. i love you on your own but i especially love you paired with some campbells cream of mushroom soup.

you are truly my comfort food.

another day another post.

not much to report. i've been in a shitty mood for the past week or so. i ranted about it on my message board and have been feeling a little better. i'm still packing away. i think i'm about 3/4 done. i can't wait to move. living in limbo like this sucks ass.

i've been paying attention to what we've been eating in restaurants or at other peoples houses and what we used to eat in the past and i'm trying to compile a list of dishes so menu planning is hopefully easy (easier?) for me.

things we order in restaurants all the time:

nachoes
chimichangas
chickens wings of all types (honey garlic, barbecue, hot, gold, lemon pepper)
bruschetta
lasagne
pizza
ceaser salad
lemon rice soup
greek salad
chili
spaghetti with meat sauce
tomato, cucumber, feta cheese salad
THAT salad with strawberries and goat cheese
tacos
potato leek soup
spicy chicken salsa soup
chicken fingers
pasta e fagioli soup
minestrone soup
cheese burgers

i stepped on the scale at my grandmas today. it said 245 pounds. so i'm creeping back up there. damn.

i'm not sure how i feel about it. i feel fat and gross and clumsy. if i'm laying on the couch sometimes it takes so much effort to get up off of it. it makes me feel like a whale.

i'm in the middle of packing the place up. we're starting to live in box hell. i hope we're able to get in a few days earlier so i can get out of here and into the huge apartment!

hah. how many times am i going to come up with a new plan?

we're moving at the end of the month. yep, that's right we're moving out of the folks house into our own apartment. it's a very nice 2 bedroom apartment. 1000 square feet. an outdoor pool. a balcony. all for a reasonable price.

this is my plan.

right now i can't commit to anything. i realize this. my anxieties & phobia are slowing down but they're still there. we're living in chaos right now.

but, come august 1st. i am back on plan. promise.

i am fat.

this needs to change.

i accomplished the 8 glasses of water yesterday.

i'm currently working on todays 8.

i did not get the job. they choose to move up one of the girls that already work in that office. her job is not being posted but is being kept open to place somebody there (ie. someone returning from mat leave, someone whose position was cut). i also learned today that the person who replaced me on my mat leave was not to their liking and has not stayed for my leave of absence. she was slightly bizarre and not up to task. interesting. i really do not want to return to my old position (hence applying for different schools) but perhaps they will now appreciate me slightly more if i do indeed have to return there? hope so.

my lovely union voted on our contract last night (which i did not know about b/c people on mat leave do not get to participate, apparently?). they passed a new ordinace saying that you have to work 12 months after your mat leave or else pay back the top up (which totally makes sense, but why couldn't they wait another little bit to pass this?). b/c i was planning to quit if i couldn't find another position. drat. now i'm stuck here for a year. sigh.

i'm totally rambling right now...this is so not weight loss focussed anymore. sorry guys.

today i will drink 8 glasses of water.

that is all.

i'm thinking about returning to this thing called weight loss. i don't think i'm ready to come back full on...but i'm thinking about it and you guys more and more. money is very tight right now with me not working and not being on mat leave anymore. S got a speeding ticket 2 weeks ago and our car seems to have broke last night. so money is even tighter now. sigh.

i went for a job interview on friday. if i get the job i probably wouldn't start until augustish but it's a pay raise and it's right by the baby's daycare. send some good vibes my way everyone. they're going to let me know on monday, either way.

the in-laws have left and i survived their vacation here. we ate out everyday for 2 weeks though. that cannot be good for my waistline. sigh. i haven't exercised in god knows how long. me and the baby have gone for some walks though at least i haven't stopped that.

i'm on the waiting list to see a counsellor through a free program at the St. Boniface hospital. that's the good news. the bad news is wait times are about 10 months. they're hoping that just after christmas they'll be able to send me an appointment time for the spring. gah, stupid waiting times.

damn those 35 cent chicken wings covered in beautiful spicy honey sauce. damn that MGD with Clamato juice. damn them all. ugh.

i haven't posted in a long time. things have spun out of control for me. my phobia has crept back into my life and i've been trying to deal with it. i'm terrified of beetles, especially beetles in my house...and well i've found a few (make that 12 in 2 months). i'm terrified to go in my kitchen b/c that's where i've found the majority of them. so needless to say eating has not been going well.

S's parents are also visiting from england so i've been very busy with them. they are totally in love with the baby and have been spending most days just playing with him. we've been eating out a lot and eating at my grandparents house quite a bit too.

my mat leave got screwed up and ended sooner than i was expecting it too. that caused a large blip in my life. it's hard to know that money you were expecting isn't going to be coming anymore.

i'm taking a break from ww and eating well. i step on the scale every once in a while and i seem to be maintaining so that's good. i don't have much to say, i just wanted to let everyone know i'm still alive and sort of kicking.

Day 2 was a disaster. i had a bad day emotionally and phsyically. i don't even want to think about it.

Food:

Chimichanga with avocado
1.5 tuna sandwiches with hot mustard and cheese
6 delicious wonderful cookies
6 cheese and kubasa and some crackers

Water:

56 ounces of water

Exercise:

Short 10 minute walk with friend after lunch

i'm creating healthy habits. i'm creating healthy habits. i'm creating healthy habits. really i am.

so i kinda went AWOL there for a few weeks. i saw success and i sabotaged myself. plain and simple.

now i'm back to baby steps.

& i'm okay with that.

Dinah's 28 Day Challenge

it takes 28 days to form a habit, so this my habit forming challenge. i don't think i've drank any water since i went awol. i haven't tracked a single food item. and my exercise has gotten VERY slack.

for 28 days i am going to:

1. track my food. i'm not going to worry about points and all that, i'm simply going to get into the habit of writing down everything that i eat and drink.
2. i'm going to drink 64 ounces of water a day.
3. i'm going to meet my monthly exercise goal of 1000 minutes in may with 2 strength training sessions a week (when i get to june i'll pick a new goal).

that's it, that's all i'm not going to worry about points and ww stuff, i'm simply going to do those 3 things to creat good habits.

i've been feeling sick all week. at first i thought it was the flu but then i started to think it was a cold and then my throat started to hurt and then it started to feel like a sinus infection. i'm blaming it all on the baby. he's been sick this week too and he's infected me i'm sure of it. needless to say my eating habits have not been good this week and i've not kept up with my water. i can't remember the last vegetable i ate. however, every time i step on my scale it says a lower number. on some level i know it's not permanent weight loss and it's just that it's just sickly-my-body-is-fighting-illnes-weight-loss and i'll gain it all back when i'm feeling better. i just wish it wasn't that way.

however, DayQuill and NyQuill are my new best friends. i'd have to say DayQuill is my first best friend and NyQuill is my second best friends.

it's great not being pregnant or nursing. i suffered through so many colds where i couldn't take anything. i'm loving the over the counter drugs.

all i have to say is DOWN 3.2 POUNDS.

i don't know how, but i was down. that brings my official ww weight to 237 pounds. i don't even remember the last time i was in the 230's. walking to the meeting i kept having to pull up my capri's which were always big on me (i got them right after i gave birth) but never this big. if i sucked in my belly they were going to seriously fall off. i think they should be retired but i love them so much and they're my only pair. i think i'll have to be purchasing another pair in a smaller size. :)

other than that nothing too interesting is happening. me and S are sickly, while the baby has somehow stayed healthy(ish). he does have a runny nose, but that's it. me and steve have this flu/cold/ulcerish thing. it sucks.

i've been very blog deliquent, the baby doesn't nap as much as he used to. it's getting harder and harder to sneak on here during the day to see what everyone's up to. i guess this is a sign of him growing up and getting older. time is sure flying.

my hitched bitch (kinda like secret santa, but in the middle of summer from my favorite message board www.hitched.ca) sent me about 8 back issues of the weight watchers magazine. i'm so looking forward to reading them. i'm going to save them and read them in the tub i think. a nice relaxing soak with a nice motivating read. thanks again to my wonderful bitch! :)

well the weekend was a bomb...again...as usual...yada yada yada. we ate out and got take out and i didn't exercise.

but all that aside, i stood on my scale this morning and it said 239. my scale has not said below 240 in years and years and years. i know the ww scale and my scale never agree (i think mine weighs higher) but at least it's a start, right?

i think i'm going to go to the weigh in on wednesday morning. if i do that then it's an excuse to walk to the meeting. if i go on tuesday nights i take the car b/c it's here and b/c it's nightime and i don't want to be walking around my neighbourhood by myself at night. it's about a half an hour walk and the baby loves walks so we're going to give it a try. and there's not as many people at the meeting. last week i think there was a dozen or so vs. the 75 people at the tuesday night one.

yesterday i had:

**2 glasses of SPRITE (the regular kind)
**1 glass of A&W ROOTBEER (again, the regular kind)
**1 glass of ICED TEA (yet again, the regular kind)

eeks, egads. that's 12 points right there. oh the sin, the sin.

say it with me now folks....diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet....

on the plus side i have a non-scale victory to report. yesterday i tried on some pants that i haven't been able to fit since before i was even pregnant. they were always tight. well yesterday they fit. and they weren't tight. i got so excited that i tried on the shirt that i always wore with it that hadn't fit properly long before the pants stopped. and the shirt frickin' fit!!!!! fuckin' A. so raegan if you're reading this, i'm going to wear it out saturday morning. you can tell me if it looks okay or if i'm kidding myself, right?

so today i was down 1.8 pounds making my official weight watcher weight 240.2. i am happy that i had a loss this week...2 weeks of gaining and maintaining was beginning to suck.

i keep having this feeling that weight watchers isn't cutting it for me anymore. like i want to try something new, something different, something exciting, something cheaper. mainly something cheaper. here we are trying to save money and live more frugally and in five weeks i'm going to need to shell out more money for this endeavour...i just feel like i can't justify it. i could gather some of my friends that are doing various weight loss things and we could all buy a good scaled and go by what it says at a weekly meeting, right? i just don't want to keep throwing my money at the big fat ww conglomerate. sigh. le big sigh.

i've been fairly deliquent on commenting on everybody's blogs. i was kind of sick this week and with easter on the weekend i've just been a busy, busy bee. i do read them though and i'm glad everyone is doing so good. you girls rock!

note to self:

don't make blogger posts when drunk.

i feel like crap today. ugh. i can't believe i drank that much.

16 glasses of wine later and i don't think i'm going to lose weight this week. and add on top of that 2 family dinners, 1 church event, 1 time eating out at fabu restaurant, and poor home eating habits i'm definitely not going to lose weight this week.

at my last weigh in i was up.

yep, that's right i was up .6 pounds. which i know is not much, but it's still a gain. i was so sad after that i almost turned around and went home. i even almost started crying. it sucked big time. but i stayed and listened and started to put things into perspective. i didn't journal. we ate out way to much. i didn't make healthy drink choices. i should have seen it coming, but i can pull the wool over my eyes like you wouldn't believe. i can make myself believe whatever i want. i wish i could live in reality. i wish i could really look at my life and my eating habits and see them for what they are--disgusting. i know this is a long road and it will take time to learn to eat properly and healthily. i just wish it could happen now. sigh.

but enough of that...

me and S and went for the most wonderful supper tonight at an italian restaurant. we had bruschetta (which the baby loved) and lasagne (the baby loved that as well). the lasagne was made with lean beef and medium italian sausage so it had TASTE and there was a layer of zuchini as well. the cheese was phenomenal as well. i don't feel too guilty b/c we walked there and back. it was 45 minutes there and then on the way home it was well over an hour b/c we took the scenic route. i didn't wear very appropriate shoes (read i wore sandals) and now my feet are KILLING ME! i'm such a shoe loser.

today is the first day in a long time that i am going to bed feeling good about my eating for that day.

i've accounted for my points (properly). i've gotten my 4 Activity Points in for the day. i've drank my 8 glasses of water. i've mapped out most of tomorrows foods.

i'm feeling good.

i'm ready for bed. :)

i've just found this at the local grocers. all i'm going to say is 1 point for 2 slices. can bread get any better?

'leaner than bacon' bacon. i can't find a picture of it online. 3 slices are 1 points. it tastes okay. i was a little sceptical at first, but pleasently surprised after i tasted it.

another awesome little snack food. taste just like real doritos but you get 27 chips for 4 points. rock on!

water with lemon. yum. i remember this little treat every so often. it gives it just nice zing.

yum!

todays eats:

2 eggs with leaner than bacon and ww bread (7 points)
baked doritos and guac. (3 points)
spinach mandarin salad
2 oatmeal scones.

32 oz water
45 minute walk with baby

blogger ate my post.

& i don't feel like typing it out again.

todays eats

2 pieces ww bread with peanut butter and a banana (5 points)
2 pieces ww bread with chicken sandwich meat (4 points)
chili (5 points)
baked doritos (4 points)
guacamole 1 cup (8 points)
chili (5 points)
baked doritos (4 points)

35 points eaten

32 oz water
80 minute walk to library with the baby--6 AP
Church Exercise Group--2 AP

some random thoughts:

**i've been making chili for a while, but never with cumin. it was always one of those spices that we never had in the house so i always just skipped over. well on the weekend when i went grocery shopping i bought cumin and added it to the chili today and voila it was indeed the missing ingredient.

**my church exercise group is going well. for the past 3 weeks i had between 5 & 6 people. tonight there was only 3 of us and i couldn't find the dvd player so we just did laps around the gym with arm movements and some jogging (for those who could). one of the women who is coming is 83 years old. that's right 83. she's upset b/c she's not as active as she used to be. WOW! she's my new hero.

**tomorrow night is weigh in. i'm scared and nervous and anxious. again & as usual. the weekend was a bust. again & as usual. sigh.

**on a whim me and S went and looked at open houses in transcona (the neighbourhood we want to buy a house in). house shopping is sooooooooo much fun and i've become an MLS whore. i check it everyday. i hope there's new open houses next weekend so we can go check them out.

tonight me and my friend are supposed to hang out and have supper at my house. she immediately suggested we oreder a pizza and i tried to say no. in fact i did say no, but what can i suggest in place of the pizza? KFC is not a better option. chinese food is too expensive. maybe i'll suggest subway. i could go for subway. she doesn't like subway though. too many veggies.

i really want pizza now. i could get a vegetarian pizza. that would be a better choice. note i said better, not best. well i guess we'll see.

today's eats

toast with peanut butter--3 pts
english muffin with peanut butter--4 pts
shared a mango with the baby--.5 pts

24 oz water
no exercise

i thought long and hard about what is stopping me from really succeeding at this program and i believe i have discovered one of the reasons. i have found what will revolutionize ww forever. are you ready? here it is...

a week is too much time in between weigh ins.

but it's not even simply the weighing . it' s more about the flex points. 35 is just too big of a number for me. it looms over me at the beginning of the week saying "eat me, com'n, you can have that chinese food you've got 35 free points sitting right there just waiting to be eaten. com'n. eat me." those flex points fucking taunt me i tell you. i can do so well for 3 days, but by the 4th day i start to fall apart. the flex points are gone but i still want more. weigh in day seems sooooooo far away, like a river that i will never cross. by the time weigh in rolls around i just don't give flying hoot about a loss i just don't want to have gained weight.

i think if the week was broken into 2 it would work so much better for me. half the flex points (that way they wouldn't taunt me nearly so much) and twice as much accountability. for me it's all about the accountability. i think for a lot of women it's all about the accountability, positive accountability that is. do you think i could make millions plugging this to ww? or am i on crack? maybe i'm on crack. it's quite possible that i am.

i know that you can attend as many meetings in a week as you want, and maybe that's something i should look into doing. in the meantime i'm going to divy up my week at home and only have 15 flex points at a time. tuesday and saturday i was thinking. i'll go to my weigh in tuesday and start with 15 flex points wednesday morning. saturday i'll get a new bunch of flex points...i just need something to replace the weigh in aspect. kwim? i would weigh myself on my scale but it sucks big time and is not matching ww scale AT ALL.

now that i'm finished this i wonder, "where was the wit? this wasn't witty at all." sorry for promising wit and then not delivering. i suck.

i'm going to think of some witty things to say. i'll be back later.

i thought of a witty topic. it's so good i'm going to save it for tomorrow! hah!

todays eats

2 pieces of toast with smooth peanut butter (4 points)
2 cups BLUE menu mushroom barley soup (2 points)
1 mango (1 point)
1 lean cuisine chicken in wine sauce (3 points)
chicken curry (10 points)
hot and sour chicken and beef (18 points)

32 oz water
40 minute walk with the baby--3 AP

38 points

28 flex points left

well folks, i maintained.

i had a really bad weekend food wise and i have actually been avoiding writing in my blog b/c i am embarassed about my food intake since friday. i don't know why i'm hiding from the internet, but i am. i think i was thinking that if i just didn't post the binging then it didn't count and nobody would know about it? oi vey. what was i thinking?

i think secretly if i didn't address the binging in the written word then i didn't have to deal with the binging, kwim? i still don't know how to deal with the binging but acknowledging that i was binging is the first step i believe. before i never would have called it binging. i would have just ignored it or pretended that i hadn't really at that much.

i'm not going to dwell on the crap that i've eatend since friday and the emotional rollercoaster it's all brought. i'm simply going to move on to the two things i'm going to DO REALLY WELL this week.

1. Exercise everyday. this was my 3rd week at weight watchers and i got the activity information. it says to aim for 28 points a week or 4 points a day. that's my goal this week.

2. Eat an Exciting, Nuntritious, Wonderful breakfast everyday this week. from eggs to fruit to toast to cottage cheese. i'm gonna work the breakfast.

tomorrow is the start of a new week and I CAN DO THIS!

today is not a CORE day. it was a tough night with the baby waking up at 10:30 (just as i closed my eyes to go t sleep), 12:30, 1, 2:30, 3:30 & 6 AM. sigh. i woke up this morning just wanting all the un-healthy food we have in the house for Steve's lunches. so far this morning i've had chocolate pudding and a granolar bar for breakfast. and i just had a sandwich with luncheon meat and am now contemplating having a box (or 2) of snack pack smarties.

i think i'm switching to FLEX until the baby gets his nights figured out again. sigh.

today's eats

choclate pudding--3 pts
granola bar--2 pts
sandwich--5 pts
smarties
clamato juice--1 pt

11 pts/17 pts left

23 FlEX points left (i'm just going to transfer these, i'm assuming they are the same)

16 oz water
no exercise yet

i would just like to say that yesterday me and S went out for supper and I MADE GOOD FOOD CHOICES! yep. that's right. you heard correctly. I, went to a restaurant and did not order pizza. i did not order nachos. i did not order a burger and fries. i did not order any of those bad for you things. want to know what i did order? grilled chicken with a pineapple salsa and wild rice pilaf and brocoli. and it was actually good. we order chicken wings as an appetizer. half hot sauce ones and half teriyaki. my totally CORE meal in a restaurant...except...the chicken wings had some kind of breading on them and they came with a dip. before i even knew what i was doing i had dipped the carrots into the dip 3 times. once i realized that the dip was not a good choice i stopped. i am SO PROUD of myself. afterwards and this morning i don't feel the huge pangs of regret that i am so accustomed to.


todays eats

medium apple and some grapes
ff plain yogurt with a banana and mango
taco salad without the taco (cheese 12 points--i forgot to buy low fat cheese, eek)
more taco salad without the taco
maybe some popcorn later?

56 oz water
High Intensity BL Workout--1.5 AP

23 WPAs left

not much to report. still flying high on yesterdays weight loss.

todays eats:

2 eggs with ff ham on an english muffin (3 points)
lunch: leftover wild rice and chicken and the grilled vegetables
supper: something with chicken

32 oz water
Strength & Sculpt BL Workout--1.5 AP

33.5 WPAs left

Here i am posting after my ww weigh in. i'm just so excited and happy that i can't wait until tomorrow. i was down....5.6 pounds. now, i know the first week you usually lose quite a bit...but was this really the first week for me? i mean i've been muddling along on FLEX by myself since january, this is hardly me starting over after a large weight gain, right? but this is my first week on CORE and perhaps that also explains the large loss.

before i stepped on that scale i was praying for anything but a gain. i was so convinced that trip to McDonalds and the cookie incident at church were going to have done me in. honestly, i would have been happy with a .4 loss. anyways...i got a terrific sticker! i feel like i'm in grade 2 again. i wonder what you get when you gain? try again with a little sad smiley? or close, better luck next week? hah! i don't ever want to find out.

the thing is i was starting feel so discouarged about doing CORE. i was ready to say F*@#$ CORE...and now...now i'm not so sure. it's a brand new week and i've got a whole new set of WPAs and a better understanding of the program. i did make one of my weekly TWO THINGS TO DO eat CORE. i did lose weight on it. i did feel full and satisfied. i did eat a well balanced diet. i did feel good. the biggest problem i had with CORE was eating out. the foods i like to eat in restaurants are not CORE friendly. i could just save me WPAs for eating out...or i could make wiser food choices and realize that a big huge plate o nachos is not figure friendly and that a BIG MAC and fries are not condusive to a healthy lifestyle. sigh.

all in all i'm going to give CORE another week and see how i do on it now that i have a better understanding of the whole shebang.

today is weigh in day. i'm scared and worried and anxious and hopeful all in the same breath.

me and the baby are going to go do errands this afternoon. i have to go to my bank and to the store. we're going to walk. he's doing a lot better and i think the fresh air will be good for him. since last wednesday he's only been out to go the hospital twice and to church on sunday. the temperature is supposed to go to +4 C here today (which is balmy weather for us, hah). a good spring walk is just what mommy and baby need.

wish me luck!

todays eats:

farmers breakfast with a little ketchup
wild rice with chicken and mushrooms
2 mangos=1 cup
1 chicken breast cooked with HP sauce
oven grilled vegetables
oven baked sweet potato fries
smart pop popcorn
2 cups clamato juice (2 points)

32 oz water
45 minute walk to the bank with a very unhappy baby--3 AP

**update**

yeesh, i didn't know my guy could cry for that long. i feel so bad. about 15 minutes into the 45 minute walk he started to cry. and cry. and cry. and cry. all the way to the bank. at the bank i took him out of the stroller while i was doing my stuff. instant happiness. i tried to feed him--no go. i figure his diaper must need chaning--nope. i try shushing and rocking--no go. back into the stroller and the crying starts. i even stopped in at McDonalds (i only got a diet coke, praise me everyone) and sat with him on my lap for like 20 minutes. sitting with me--happy. in stroller--crying.

needless to say we took the bus home.

it's a new week this fine monday morning. although the baby is still not well he is doing better. his appetite has improved and ate banana this morning as well as last night. his fluid consumption is up as well and he hasn't been flopping around as much as he was. the Big D is still there, but definitely not as frequent. the Big V and his fever have not been seen for 2 days now. knock wood, but i'm hoping the worst is past us now.

i was thinking back to what my ww leader said last week at the meeting (i love being able to say ww leader & last week's meeting). the meeting was all about not trying to do everything. the idea is that while trying to do everything you forget to do half the stuff or you just plain can't do everything. her advice was to concentrate on 2 things per week so that you will be successful. then the next week pick 2 things on top of that to concentrate on, so that in effect you are now working on 4 things. & to remember to always continually re-evaluate what you are doing to ensure that you haven't let some of your healthy habits drop to the wayside. anyways...enough blathering...

What i am Going to Achieve this Week (March 27 to April 2)

1. Exercise Every Day. that's 7 days of at least 20 minutes of exercise a day. i can find 20 minutes every day right?

2. Follow The CORE plan. those are some mighty yummy foods that you can eat on CORE and as of tomorrow night i'll have my 35 WPAs back.

that's it, that's all i'm going to worry and stress over this week. if i'm doing those 2 things i'll be happy.

todays eats:
a banana and ff yogurt
farmers breakfast with a little ketchup
supper?--thinking wild rice with chicken and brocoli

32 oz water
no exercise yet (tonight is my church exercise class and i think we're going to do the 1 mile walk again as lots of new people said they were going to come.)
High Intensity BL Workout--2 AP

The Farmers Breakfast

a litle bit of onion (maybe 1/2 a small onion)
1/4 each of green, red, and yellow pepper (although the recipe only called for green pepper i added the others)
1 TBSP of canola oil
2 medium potatoes
6 oz ff ham
4 eggs beaten w/some water
a little bit of salt and pepper to taste

you cook the onions and peppers in the oil until their tender, yet crisp. i cut the potatoes into little pieces and then added them in raw. i cooked for about 8 minutes then added the ham. cook for about another 8 minutes. add eggs and push around until eggs set. (before i added the eggs i took half of the vegetable mixture and put it in a tupperware container and saved for tommorrow. i also made it with only 2 eggs cause i halved it)

it was okay. next time i would use less onion and add some mushrooms.

ugh. the baby is still sick. the vomitting has finally stopped and there hasn't been a fever for over 24 hours. he's still got the diarrhea though and it's tough keeping him well hydrated. i gave him half a banana and it seemed to make him perk up a bit.

food wise--not so good either. at church there was home-made peanut butter crunch cookies and before i knew it had eaten 2 of them. then i figured cause i had eaten 2, 1 more wouldn't hurt. so another one went in my mouth. then the baby was being all cranky b/c he is soo sick and we had to wait to drive someone home and there were wraps from subway. pop. into my mouth it went. and there was a piece of cake in there somewhere too, lemon cake with sugary icing.

i'm so freakin' stressed out with the baby. since wednesday he's probably eaten what he normally eats in one day. we keep going back to the hospital and they just keep reassuring us he's not dehydrated so there's nothing they can do and there's nothing we can do but ride it out. we've been giving him pedialyte (oral electrolyte solution) to help with the hydration but it's so sugary now when we give him the formula he doesn't like it and doesn't want to drink it. he's so weaek from the diarrhea. when he's laying down and wants to get up he keeps flopping over and crawling looks like it's so hard for him to do. he tries to play but it takes up all his energy and occasionally he just flops forward and lays with his head on the floor. i offer him liquids every hour, he'll take a few sips and then refuse the bottle. his little bum is completely raw from all the poop. everytime we change the diaper (which sometimes is every half an hour) he screams and cries. i'm so close to crying myself. i'm getting so frustrated. just when i think he's starting to get better he starts to get sicker.

i just can't think about food right now. i know my weigh in is this tuesday, but right now i just can't focus on that. i just want to get through this and have a happy, healthy baby again.

todays eats:
3 cookies (4 points?)
1 piece cake (7 points?)
1/2 subway wrap, some kind of meat with veggies (8 points?)
mexicale pie with salsa and ff sour cream--CORE food (5 points)
1 beer with clamato juice (4 points)
baked lays with guacamole (12 points?)

40 points (and i have no flex points left due to the unfortunate McDonalds incident earlier in the week)

48 oz water
no exercise

i know my food choices have not been the greatest and perhaps saying that my baby is sick and i can't focus on food is an excuse. maybe it is and maybe it isn't. perhaps i just need to bite the bullet and stop making excuses? i ate like shit b/c i wanted to? i eat like shit on a regular basis b/c i want to? do i secretly want to sabotage my weight loss? do i openly sabotage my weight loss? why do i do this?

he's still sick. still having the Big D. ugh. his little bum is SO raw and sore. he cries and cries everytime we change him (which has been about once an hour since wednesday). he hadn't thrown up since wednesday night, and then last night he vommited all over the bed. double ugh. his fevers broken, but he still seems to be in pain. it's so much work making sure he stays hydrated. i've been offering him liquids every 2 hours...S is just on the phone with his parents in England. when he gets off we're going to take him back to emergency. 3 days of the shits is just too long.

last night was wonderful. the tostada was mah-ve-lous. S actually suggested desert, but i declined. i've never declined desert before. it scared and amazed me. hah.

todays eats
fruity oatmeal (yum)
1 cup skim milk
one sandwich with chicken breast, soy cheese and spicy mustard (2 points for bread)
superstore BLUE spicy black bean soup, 1 cup
supper is going to be mexicale pie from 3fatchicks CORE board

16 oz water
no exercise yet (i was supposed to go walking in the park with my friend but it looks like i'll have to cancel, drat)

i'm starting this early today, so i'll probably be back to update it a ton of times.

we're eating out tonight. & i'm just going to say it now, i'm going to get the tostada which is all CORE except for the shell that it sits on, the cheese, and the sauce on the chicken and the sour cream. when i start typing what isn't CORE it sounds less and less CORE. hah! the picture is of a tostada except at the restaurant i go to there's a ton more veggies and the shell is way smaller. i'm not going to hide and pretend to say like i'll get something good for me. which where we're going there's not much that would be considered WW friendly.

i want a tostada, so that's what i'm getting. i've come to realize that i can't order nachos (even though i love them like you wouldn't believe). this is my compromise.

wow, admitting that is making me feel so much better about the day already. we decided last night that we were going to go out for supper and i stressed all night about what i was going to get and what i was going to do (& i stressed out over the sick baby as well). i think sometimes coming to terms with behaviour is better than stressing about it.

todays eats
1/2 cup cottage cheese (1.5 points) with strawberries and applesauce
fruity oatmeal (apples, oatmeal, & banana). it was YUMMY.
1 cup skim milk
tostada from carlos and murphy's with guac and refried beans (sooo good)
snack later on the smart pop popcorn. (maybe, if i need it)

32 oz water
WATP 1 mile--1.5 AP

these are the latest numbers. taken by S just a few minutes ago. in the brackets are two numbers. the first number is from a month ago, the second the original number taken january 17.

arms: 14.5 inches (14, 15)
chest: 48 inches (47, 47.5)
waist: 45 inches (47, 50)
hips: 50.5 inches (50, 51.5)
thigh: 23 inches (24, 26)

there is some fluctation going on. i understand that your body is like your weight. it changes and fluctuates according to the time of day and the day.

i'm most impressed with my waist. down 5 inches! woot! and my thighs are down 3 inches. another woot! i guess all those crunches and lunges do pay off.

although i wish i knew what was going on with my chest. sigh. S will love this.

everything's on hold right now. i have a VERY sick baby. he spent most of yesterday vomitting and having diarehea (i cannot figure out how to spell that word). we went to emergency and were told to keep him hydrated with pedialyte and give him tylenol if he developed a fever. and of course he developed a fever late last night. he's so sad looking, it breaks my heart.

CORE is proving slightly harder than i thought it would. for example: fat free cottage cheese. i love cottage cheese. i could eat it every morning with some fruit and sometime with walnuts. yummy. well, i went grocery shopping yesterday morning before the sick baby began. i looked and looked for fat free cottage cheese. the only thing i could find was 1% cottage cheese. i began to think, maybe it was fat free cottage cheese. when i got home i had cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce and strawberries. later i check the booklet and of course it appears that they are two different things. they both have the same amount of points, but only fat free is checked as CORE? zounds. of course i bought a huge container of it and I HATE WASTING FOOD, so i'll probably eat it exercise away the points?

last night after leaving the hospital i was so hungry and so upset and so tired that i couldn't think of cooking. we went to mcdonalds. i feel so embarassed about this. like i don't even want to write it down. i want to keep it secret, hush hush. i feel like i spend all my time here preaching change and healthy eating and following the plan and then what do i do the first day on the CORE plan? i gorge on mcdonalds. wtf? what is wrong with me? ugh. i am so disgusted with myself.

today's eats

1/4 cup cottage cheese (.75 pt), strawberries and unsweetened applesauce
cajun chicken salad: chicken, green and red peppers, fat free mayo, cajun seasoning, mushrooms
i made another salad for supper but added a lot more yummy things like radishes, red onions, avocado. the baby's fever got higher again this afternoon so i didn't have time to think of anything else to have
glass skim milk
i think later i'm going to have another little bit of cottage cheese (.75 pt)with some fruit. i did that. cottage cheese and strawberries and grapes and applesauce.



52 oz water
BL strength & sculpt (i snuck it in during first nap)--1.5 AP
i goat about halfway through the 'just my size yoga. it was my first time trying yoga and it's harder than it looks. it was relaxing though.

i went and registered at weight watchers last night. i was absolutely terrified driving there and i almost turned around twice. there were quite a few people there (like 50ish) which made it easier to blend into the background. at the begining of the meeting the leader asked if there were any new members. i raised my hand and she chatted with me for a while about why i picked ww ('because it's sensible' i said), why i picked today to start ('cause i finally had the money' i said), and if i knew anybody that did ww (i actually had spotted a woman from my church there, so i was able to say 'apparently i do'). i should have said, 'yes, i have a whole ring of blog friends that ww'. but then i would have had to explain what a blog was and the internet and things... the talk was interesting and funny. the leader seems great, she wasn't fluffy or overly happy. she seemed down to earth and cynical. just like me!

i read through the booklet and it's so nice having everything in one little booklet that fits in my purse. lovely! i've decided i'm going to try CORE. those foods on the list are foods I LOVE, well....except there were no breads or nachos or burgers...but i can deal with that. i've made a grocery list of the CORE foods (and foods for steve's lunches) and can't wait to go today. i can't wait to make things like barley soup, and steak and potatoes, and salads with oil and vinegar dressing... i suppose the biggest challenge with CORE is knowing when you are SATISFIED and stopping then. we'll see how it goes...

i have some questions though:
1. the points slider doesn't accomodate for half points. when i asked the woman that was explaining stuff to us new people, she said half points don't count. i think she misunderstood me. i know i can always check on the computer for really accurate points and that the slider is probably more for the store, right?

2.i read in the booklet that you can to as many MEETINGS in a week as you want, but you can only weigh in once. did i read that right? i could so see myself going during the day just for a meeting when i need a pick me up and weighing in on tuesday nights.

now the bad news...

the weight watchers scale said 247 pounds. i feel like a fluctuating floozie. i know it's still lower than what i started at (259 pounds) and it's only slightly higher than my lowest (244 pounds). but i just feel so icky about it. sigh. luckily, it's all downhill from here...

thanks for all the support ladies. knowing you guys are anxious to hear about my stuff makes it all seem so much easier.

that's the name of my churches new exercise group. last night was the first night. three other women showed up. we did the One Mile WATP routine. they seemed to like it. next week we're going to meet an hour later so more of the working women (hah, i love that) can make it (there were about 3 people that couldn't make it because they were still on their way home from work. next week we're going to meet at 7 PM and are going to do the 2 mile WATP workout. i think i'm going to go at 6:30 and just run some laps around the gym. i have to go early too to set up the dvd player. i'm electronically challenged and it could take me a while. last night i had to get the minister to hook it all up for me cause i couldn't figure it out.

i found this on the net and i quite like it. the verse at the bottome is 1Corinthians 10:31 and it reads : "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God" i think it's very important to remember. my church and it's members have always been caught up in fundraising and activities and plays and bake sales and teas and rummage sales and everything else that we forget that everything else we do should be/are doing for the glory of god. we forget to do things like exercise our faith (literally).

Exercise Your Faith.

tomorrow is the day. tomorrow i am going to join weight watchers. it's stupid but i'm scared. i'm scared to go. i feel like i'm the new kid about to start school. i'm worried i'll say the wrong thing, sit in the wrong spot, go to the wrong room, ask the wrong question. will the cool kids like me? will i succeed? i'm worried that i'm going shell out all this money and i won't lose any weight and i will have wasted all this money when we're so poor right now.

i'm also concerned about the goal weight ww picks for me. right now i'd be over the moon to weigh 200 pounds. if weight watchers says i'm supposed to weigh 160 pounds i don't know if i could ever do that. i don't know if i even want to do that. i understand that you can get your physician to set a different goal weight for you. i'm going to seriously consider this. i wonder how long you have to do that?

i'm also terrified that their scale is going to say 250 pounds or something even higher. i might cry if it says that. i know my home scale probably isn't calibrated properly and is probably reading the wrong weight, but it has been going down for me (although slowly). i'm such a worrier.

Me and the baby had a mango for lunch today. it was very yummy and sooooo good. we also had some plain yogurt. they are both new foods for the baby. he loves food so much and is such a good eater. i love seeeing his face experience a new food. the tastes. it's wonderful. he grimaces every time he has something new, but show it to him again and his little mouth opens right up and he hops up and down. teaching the baby about foods is also a good reminder for healthy eating for me too. if i don't want the baby to eat it, why am i eating it? why am i polluting my body with processed foods and junk?

we went out to a party last night and i drank a bottle of wine by myself. and i don't mean one of those little baby bottles of wine. i mean i had a BOTTLE of wine. it was nice and it was lovely and i was piss drunk by the end of the night. i don't want to think how many points all that booze and chips were (did i mention there was chips?), but i haven't drank in like 18 months (since before i was pregnant). there was so much laughter and good talking. i had such a good time.

i got a yoga dvd. it's called 'just my size yoga'. i haven't tried it yet, but i watched a bit of it and it seems like something that i can do. i haven't given yoga a try before but everybody raves about yoga so i thought i'd give it a try. i have another yoga dvd made by gaia but it's very intimidating for someone of my size and inexperience. that's why i was drawn to this 'just my size' dvd. the instructor is a plus sized woman, so you can see how it should look for a heavier size.

i got up this morning and did the BL strength and sculpt workout. i quite like this workout. some of the others are very difficult (it's those damn lunges and squats that do me in), but the s&s seems to be good. i can almost do all the crunches now. (reverse, side to side, and normal). woot! for me!!! then i did the watp one mile walk. i've been wearing ankle weights while i do that watp routines. it seems to help with the intensity. sure makes me feel it!

i'm starting an exercise group at my church and the first night we're meeting is tomorrow night. i'm not sure who all will show up and what their exercise abilities are going to be so i'm not entirely sure what we're going to do. i think for tomorrow i'm going to bring the watp dvd and we'll do the 1 mile workout. that's pretty gentle and adaptable to whatever needs you have. i'm hoping that it starts well and there's lots of people that come out. in the summer i want to be able to plan walks in the park with activities and stuff. i hope it's fun.

it's saturday and it's a beautiful spring day. me and my friend went for an hour walk this morning in the park. it was lovely. i was going to bring my brand new pedometer to count how many steps we went, but the battery was friggin' dead this morning. ugh. i want to take it back, but are they going to accept it if it's only a dead battery?

some things i was going over in my mind:

i have to remember that when i started this trip i weighed 259 pounds. i know weigh (as of yesterday morning) i weighed 245 pounds. that is a 14 pound loss. i have to remember what i've already lost, instead of constantly focusing on how much more i have to lose.

i have lost 14 pounds.

i am exercising nearly everyday for at least 20 minutes, sometimes an hour.

i am watching what i'm eating (to a degree, there's still binging going on, but not nearly as much as there used to be).

i am eating 3 meals a day. something i haven't done since i was like 10 years old. this in itself is something i'm so proud of.

this will be a slow lifelong process. i know this, i just have to keep reminding myself. it will not go away--ever. eating properly and adequate exercise are lifelong commitments.

today the scale said 245 pounds. i wish it said less. i'm glad it didn't say more. i'm surprised that it isn't a higher number considering my stupidity of the last week.

oh well. i'm going to go to weight watchers on tuesday and their scale will probably say something completely different. i don't want to weigh over 250 pounds again. that worries me.

i've gone for very long walks (in total 160 minutes of walks).

i've eaten three meals a day.

i've drank all my water.

i've not had a cigarette.

i've done everything right.

except for eating those 2 chocolate bars.

except for eating half of the pringles.

except for having that half a beer.

except for putting butter on my bun.

i'm currently dreaming about having popcorn. microwaved popcorn. mmmmmm....it's calling to me. can't you hear it? 'eat me, eat me, eat me. i'm so yummy and greasy and wonderful.'

it's smart pop popcorn so i just might go and devour it.

**update**
two things

it's late and i'm not tired and i'm munching away on a bag of smart pop popcorn. it's quite enjoyable and i don't feel guilty at all b/c after i made today's post i went and did the strength and sculpt BL workout AND then i did the 1 mile watp walk.

i stepped on the scale earlier today and it said 245...i hope it goes down by tomorrow so that i can at least have maintained throughout this craziness.

i have some questions about weight watchers and would really appreciate it if anybody could give me some answers so i know what to expect (sortof).

• what do you do at these meetings?
• how long do they last?
• how does the weigh in work?
• how does my goal weight get picked?
• once i've registered do i have to keep going to that same time (cause there's like six different meeting times at this one location)
• what do i get????

that's about all i can think of. i'm going to take this slow. if i've learned anything from my wonderful and wacky weight loss journey is that when i take things too fast i flounder and give up and gain more weight and end up feeling 10 times more disgusted with myself.

the only thing that's making me not break down and cry about last week is the fact that i am still under my starting weight. phew.

i almost forgot to ask, 'is it wrong to bring the baby to these ww meetings?' i can leave the baby with S but my hopeful plan is to walk to these meetings and i love to take the baby for walks. (the air does him in) obviously if the meeting is 2 hours long i wouldn't bring him, but if it's like half an hour it would be okay, right? or not? someone let me know, i don't want to commit a ww faux pas.

My first oficial meeting of weight watchers will be next tuesday at 7:30 pm. i know that going to these meetings are soemthing that will only do me good but i'm still terrified of going there by myself. and of course the lady wasn't much help when i called the 800 number. she started spewing off times and locations faster than i could write them down. there was even an audible sigh when i asked how much ww cost. i would have thought that the person answering the phone would have done some encouragement. something like, "weight watchers, congratulations you've taken the right step to a healthier you" or "weight watchers, x speaking, can i help you to find a meeting in your area?". something postive, anything positive instead of "weight watchers, x speaking". i'm so not a fan of poor customer disservice.

in the mean time i'm going to exercise every day and eat 3 meals a day in preperation for this. i'm not quite ready to go back to counting points again.

sigh. back to step one. i pretty much took all of last week off and to tell the truth i didn't really feel very most nights. too much crap and junk.

i called weight watchers this morning and have found the location of the meeting closest to me and how much it costs. i got a wicked awesome tax return so i'm thinking of using a portion of that to join ww and buy a bunch of weeks. i realize i need the in person support that a meeting would bring. S and the internet just aren't cutting it.

on the plus side i'm organizing an exercise group at my church. we're going to meet monday nights and to start with do some 'sweatin' to the oldies' or 'walk away the pounds'. eventually when it's nicer i would like to go walking in the park.

&

my friend and i are going to go walking/jogging every saturday morning. we went last week and walked for just over an hour and it didn't even feel like it at all!

&

me and same friend as saturday morning have signed up for an exercise class that starts in april on wednesday nights.

i just needed a little kick in the butt i guess.

the totally terrific thrusday did not end well. hubby went out with the father in law tonight and i was bored and started eating baked lays with cheese melted on top of them. my rationale? well, they're baked lays and the cheese is low fat. where's the roll eyes emoticon when i need one?

then hubby comes home with a&w. specifically a mozza burger combo for me. i love him to pieces and i gobbled it down right away. even the root beer.

i think i'm going to take a break from the ww thing for a few days. try and sort my head out. eat whatever. se how i feel. i'm still going to exercise though.

the totally terrific thursday is progressing well.

food today:

cottage cheese and pineapples-3 points
cheerios and skim milk--6 points
roast beef, mashed potatoes and pasta salad--17 points

26 points total

i haven't exercised yet, but i plan to during survivor.

i just hope the baby stays sleeping.

i have decided that today is going to be a totally terrific thursday. i am going to exercise, make wise food decisions and drink my water today. no matter what!

tomorrow is weigh in day. i'm not to optimistic about it. i haven't eaten properly all week and when i have illegaly stepped on the scale it's said not so nice things (5 pounds up, maintain, 4 pounds up, 2 pounds up--up, up, up, all up, grrrr). i know i have no one to blame but myself, but still...i'm so used to blaming other things that it's hard to stop.

see this bag of chips?

no you don't cause they're gone now. in my tummy.

i hadn't had chips in sooooo long. i can't believe how fast i ate them...

today is going better so far. of course it's only 9:45 AM. of course there's still lots of day left. so far i've had cottage cheese and pineapples and done 20 minutes of the biggest loser. feeling good and feeling strong.

these last few days have not been going well.

i think i'm on a break.

i'm needing motivation of some kind and i don't know what. i know what i should be eating and to a degree i am eating it, i'm just eating more of it. LOT'S more of it.

i'm beginning to think i'm having problems b/c i did stop journalling my food. this is such an excuse, but it takes so much time to journal. after every meal i was going into 3 fat chicks and entering my food into my Food Accountability Thread and it just seemed to be a lot of work. now, i know losing weight is a lot of work and commitment, but i just can't seem to rationalize this in my brain. le sigh. le big sigh.

however, i did get off my butt twice today and do exercise. i did the 1 mile watp and then during The Amazing Race i did 1/2 an hour of independant watp moves with some jogging in place thrown in. i jogged in place for 2 minutes twice and then i did a 1 minute burst later on! one thing i can't wait for is for all this silly snow to melt so i can go outside to the park and run with S and the baby.

• My Family (even though my parents and grandparents drive me crazy, i love them to bits and wouldn't know what to do if they weren't around)
• My Baby (he's a lot of work, but he's worth it)
• S (he's also a lot of work, but he's worth it too--hehe, let's see if he reads this)
• My Health (I can breathe, I can walk, I can talk, I can choose to loose weight)
• My Country (I love Canada and am so proud to live here)
• My Church & Spirituality (even though my fellow church members also drive me crazy, i do realize that we are stronger b/c we are a community in Christ and are always seeking to do the right thing)
• My Friends (my peeps are wonderful and always here for me--just when i seem to need them the most

i just couldn't do it today.

i just couldn't do the points today.

today started out all wrong. i didn't have any breakfast before i left for church. time just slipped away from me. then i had to go run an errand for my grandma right after church and by that time i was starved and wanted nothing but a burger, fries and pop. so i got it. the big mac meal with diet coke. it was delish, especially the ketchup on those golden fries. hubby got the double quarter pounder with cheese meal and then didn't eat half his fries, so i ate them. gobbled them up is more like it. sigh. i know i should feel guilty and bad and mad at myself...but i don't. then we moved right along to supper: chicken, potatoes, gravy and pasta salad. the apres supper snack of popcorn and a cooler finished off this sunday of gorging. le sigh. le big sigh.

last night we went out for chinese food and i think i did okay with points. i had half a beer (1 point) and spicy peanut and beef satay soup (sooo yummy) and their #17 combination (which is a vermicelli dish filled with delicious things). i'm guessing 8 points for the soup and 12 for the vermicelli. then we went to Dairy Queen for ice cream and instead of getting a large blizzard i made a wise food choice and got a small dipped cone (8 points).

although i still went over my points and had to dip into my flex points, it was just that a dip (hah, no pun intended), it wasn't a full out gorge.

i don't know what our plan for today is. i'm going to tidy up and then do a watp and then i think we're heading to the mall.

cheers!

now that i know i have an audience i thought i'd post some pics of me and my family. i thought you guys might enjoy them.

that's my little man. he's almost 9 months old and he's one of the reasons i want to get healthy and lose the weight. i want to always be here for him and i want to be a good roll model for him. i can't really remember my parents exercising on a daily basis--even a weekly basis. they just never seemed to. but once i started to gain the weight it suddenly became a big issue and i should exercise and eat better, etc... if i tell my baby to exercise i want it to be because we're doing it together.



this is the baby and the husband, S. they are so cute together. you gotta love the daddy and baby pictures. they're always good for an...awwwww...

i'm not brave enough to post a picture of myself yet. maybe later. another day. another month.

Down 1 pound this morning. Woot!

i do have to admit that i haven't been sticking to my weigh myself only once a week rule. i have been stepping on that evil/nice/dual personality number teller. i haven't been obsessing over what it says...okay maybe i have. this week i will not stand on that damn scale until the appropriate day. promise...well i'll promise to try.

i've been thinking about why i like the exercise so much. i have come to some conclusions about it:

• the control-- I decide how much i'm going to exercise/lift weights. it is a measurable activity that i can do. when i eat right and count my points there's still no guarantee that i'm going to be able to see a lower number on the scale or move my ticker down. with exercise i know that if i exercise for 30 minutes, i've exercised for 30 minutes and my 3 fat chicks ticker gets to be moved. it shows progress and i like that.
• the way it makes me feel--that's right, i like the sweat and the burn and the heavy breathing. i never thought i would, but i'm beginning to enjoy it.
• the inches come off faster than the pounds--in total since the first time S measured me on January 17th i have lost 7 inches off my body. how cool is that?

this last week i am feeling like an exercise machine. i got my watp dvd and i have been enjoying it and doing it everyday sometimes twice! (except for saturday & sunday, but i wanted to, i just ran out of time)

i read somewhere (probably on 3 Fat Chicks) that once you get into exercising, it will no longer be a chore--you will want to do it. at the time i went 'pshaww...who actually wants to do exercise?'...well me apparently. i'm thinking less about what i'm going to shove in my face and more about what/how i'm going to exercise next. i'm even starting to think about what i'm going to do once the snow melts and i can get outside to run. yesterday i jogged in place (more dificult than it looks) for a minute and didn't feel like i was going to die. imagine that, me, jogging in place without dying! that hasn't happened since i was a toddler!

this is how much weight i lost this week. that's a lot of butter.

i also got S to measure me on thursday i believe it was. here are the results. (the numbers in brackets are taken from the february 14th measuring. some nice results although i always wonder about my husbands ability to use a tape measure.

arms: 14 inches (15 inches)
bust: 47 inches (49 inches)
stomach: 47 inches (48 inches)
hips: 50 inches (51 inches)
thighs: 24 inches (27 inches)

so there are inches coming off. it's happening!

today was weigh in day. i'm down 5 pounds. yippee!!! after all those 3 long weeks of not losing anything i'm so incredibly happy to have lost this weight.

eating right and working out really does pay off.

i was beginning to get so discouraged. i really needed this loss.

i've already re-evaluated my short term weight loss goal and my plan is to lose 15 pounds by May 24. i know this might seem like a small amount in a long time period, but i definitely don't want to set myself up to fail. i would rather reach the goal early than not attain it at all.

tomorrow is weigh in day.

i'm actually looking forward to it this week. i've exercised a ton and ate well since monday.

i'm going grocery shopping today and i'm going to attack it slightly different. less groceries, more trips. our fridge is so tiny that food gets lost in it and then i find it weeks later rotten. eww. it is such a waste. so canned goods and baby stuff and bathroom/cleaning stuff i'm going to buy the same amount, but produce a lot less. there is a fantastic little fruit/vegetable stand a couple blocks over that me and the baby can walk to. it will be good. exercise for me, outdoor/fresh air for the baby. i think i will do the same with meat. meat also disappears in the freezer and doesn't get eaten for months and months.

i'm really enjoying the watp dvd. i've only done the 1-mile workout as of yet cause i want to save the others for a while. does that sound weird? i really enjoy the host (what's her name?, i forget) and the movements are simple and gentle. it's a gentle workout. no lunges or squats until i feel like i want to die. it's a very brisk pace they walk to. at first i couldn't match it at all, but i'm getting better.

wish me luck for my weigh in!!

church is stressing me out and i know it's not supposed to do that. there's a whole bunch of stuff going on with employees and changing their positions and money problems and crap and it's stressing me out. last night i had 2 cigarettes. i wanted to binge but instead i had the 2 cigarettes. i don't know which is worse. smoking or eating.

i dream of going to a new church where nobody knows me and the music director isn't a nutjob and the custodians aren't yelling at another committee member and the minister isn't being yelled at by a nutjob. *sigh*

• to live longer
• to be healthy
• to not be fat
• to feel prettier & sexier
• to get rid of the fat that hangs over my stomach
• to be able to run
• to teach andrew how to eat properly
• to set a good example for andrew re: exercising
• to be a role model
• to fit all my clothes again...properly
• to not go through what my mom had to go through
• to not be embarassed
• to only have one chin
• to look good
• to be able to go for a hike...and enjoy it
• to not be morbidly obese
• to have other people give me second looks
• to not wheeze
• to have energy
• to not be a square
• to not get diabetes or other problems
• to motivate others to want to lose weight and feel better
• to have pants that get looser instead of tighter

S and the baby are sleeping right now and i'm surfing 3 fat chicks and Hitched! it was S's birthday yesterday. we went out for curry and i ate waaaaay to much. now i have no flex points left for the week. again. i find myself in this situation quite a bit every saturday morning. although the food last night was good, it wasn't THAT good and it made me feel like CRAP and it made me feel EXHAUSTED. in fact i was in bed and sleeping by 10 pm. i even missed Most Haunted which i am addicted too.

i just have to figure out how to make better food choices!!!!!! how do i do that?

i don't like the scale anymore. it's not my friend and i wish it would just disappear or else start doing my bidding. it read 250 pounds...again. i could sit here and write excuses (like i'm having my period right now, i'm retaining water, i ate too much salt), but i know they really don't mean anything. it's simple calories in (or points in) equals calories burned, right? maybe i'm just being to hard on myself right now. i'm still trying to ensure that i make good food choices and remember to eat at least 3 times a day. i made my goals and i'm following them (eating properly, exercise, and lose 10 pounds in three months). i'm 1 pound away from that goal and i've got a month and a half to go. why am i so pissed and worried and upset and mad? why do i want this to happen overnight, without putting any blood, sweat, and tears into this?

i forgot to mention that i've ordered 'walk away the pounds'. it's supposed to arrive monday or tuesday, so i'm looking forward to that. i like the biggest loser dvd but i think the watp will be a nice addition for my 'slower' days...

and i'm wondering what i should eat with them. i should have an orange or a vegetable, but what i really want is a cookie. scrap that. what i really want are cookies. dad's oatmeal cookies to be exact. but 3 cookies are 4 points. dilemmas. dilemmas. i could exercise, earn some AP and then indulge in the cookies.

decisions. decisions.

i'm still not sure how i feel about the measurements. i mean, i'm glad i lost inches around my waist but why have my bust and thighs increased in size? i think what i'm mostly having problems with is the fact that this weight loss journey is not happening overnight. intellectually i know that losing these 50ish pounds is going to take months and months, somehow emotionally i think that tomorrow i will wake up a size 2 (which according to some girls on hitched! really means a size zero now). wee! but alas and alack this never happens. sigh.

tomorrow is weigh in day. first thing, sleeping on thursday nights never goes well.

**update about the cookies. i ate them, so i guess now i'm supposed to exercise...

what to post about today?

today is valentines day. how are we going to spend it? S is going to measure me. lucky him, huh? it's been almost a month since i have started and i'm curious to see if i've made any progress.

i'll have to come back later and post my progress (if any).

okay back here with the updates...i'm not sure how i feel about them...

in the brackets is the old number taken january 17/06 byS as well

Arms--15 inches (15 inches)
Bust--49 inches (47.5 inches, this i don't get at all...??)
Waist--48 inches (50 inches)
Hips--51 inches (51.5 inches)
legs--27 inches (26 inches)

i'm going to sleep on this....i'll let you know how i feel in the morning...

all reason and sanity have left my house.

we have a teething baby. now we've had a teething baby before (he's already got 4 teeth) but never like this. yesterday at my grandmothers all he did was cry and wimper and whine ALL AFTERNOON LONG. even once we got home it still continued until he fell into a whimper induced sleep. apparently making teeth is hard, hard work. *sigh*

between spending time with my family (which also drives me crazy) and the uspet baby i was driven to making horrible, horrible food choices.

why does my grandma have to have 4 different kinds of nuts right there on the coffee table? why does she have to have sour cream and onion chips right next to those 4 cans of nuts? why does she have to always feed us lunch AND supper (even if that time period is less than 3 hours apart)? and why does she have to serve completely unrelated foods? last night we had meatballs, cockatil weiners, asparagus and spaghetti. is my grandma on crack? oh and i almost forgot, there was salad as well, with a variety of high fat, high calorie dressings. *sigh* and if you don't have seconds of everything that's all you hear about...."eat some more...someone finish of these weiners i don't want leftovers....do you want some secconds?....how about a bun....i can get buns...anyone need butter?...i've got wine....who wants wine?....don't forget there's desert everybody...i don't want leftovers of that either...." desert was black forest ice cream cake. i'm rolling my eyes, can you see??

it was a big messy day.

today though i'm back on track: cottage cheese and strawberries and a banana for breakfast. yum!

**that baby in the picture is not my baby but that's what yesterday was like, all afternoon and evening long..........**

so i changed the blog template. the other one just wasn't doing it for me anymore. i'm kinda liking the green. a lot more eye catching. more pleasant? i hope so.

i've also tried to update the hitched girls blogs, if i'm missing anybody, let me know please?

today i went to this baby expo thing with my little guy. it was a lot of walking all morning. i even had the heavy lad in the baby trekker for about an hour. i'm absolutely exhausted now. i feel like i should have earned 20 AP. :P

i just want to go out and gorge on burgers and fries (notice how i put burgers. i'm even at the point where i'm trying to rationalize why i need 2 burgers to fill me up?). i think i've gone crazy.

update: well i didn't eat burgers and fries but we did go out for supper and did have a jalapeno beer cheese soup and a chicken burrito. i'm thinking those are better choices than two burgers and a huge plateful of fries.

the scale read 250 again. i'm okay with that. i didn't make the wisest food choices this week so i'm just happy that i didn't gain weight.

this week will be better! no birthday parties, a fridgeful of good-for-you food, and no dinner dates with friends.

wow, where did the week go? i've been on track all week (well since monday). i've exercised and haven't ate the exercise points b/c honestly i haven't felt hungry for them. vegetables and whole grains are my new friends!

i stepped on the scale last night (2 days before my weigh in) for some reason ubekwnownst to me. what was i thinking? i promised myself that i would only step on it once a week. but, last night, i started looking at it. it looked friendly. it looked nice. it looked promising. i thought to myself: 'i can just step on it and see how much more i can lose by friday'. wrong. how wrong. it said 251 (last weigh in i was 250). so, needless to say i fell asleep feeling not very pleased with myself. i'm blaming it all on the weekend. *sigh* supper with my best friend (a small pizza for myself, i thought i was making an okay choice b/c it had chicken and mushrooms on it--wrong again!), my grandfathers birthday (steak and potatoes...and cake and candy) and then supper with S at the dreaded nacho place (which i don't think i'll ever be able to give up, it's simply too good although i got a tostada instead of the nachos which is a better choice food wise). *sigh*

this week i am hoping for maintenance. that's it. keeping my fingers crossed.

i realize i haven't posted since friday. i'm having problems staying motivated and staying on the bandwagon. it's so easy to slip off it. i don't even realize i'm doing it. case in point: yesterday at coffee after church they had banana bread. before i knew i'd chowed down on 3 pieces of it. and it wasn't even that good. but i ate it because it was there and cause it's what you do at coffee after church.

S doesn't get it at all. 'you're exercising, you're eating better. it doesn't matter if you have pizza and nachos. you can't let this counting points take over your life.' and it's true (maybe?). sometimes i don't like how thinking about food and and how food in general is consuming my life. if i have some cashews it's the end of the world, i've let myself down if i go out with my friend and get some pizza, i'm going to gain weight if i eat regular cheese. am i sabotaging myself? why am i sabotaging myself? somewhere down in the back of my brain i can't see myself as a skinny person. i can't see myself as anything but fat.

i've got this biggest loser workout dvd and i've used it three times in 2 weeks now. *sigh* i made such a big deal out of ordering and now it's just sitting next to the tv. and it's stupid but i don't want to do the video b/c of the lunges...what a silly thing, huh?

anyways...i'm off to find some reasonably healthy food for breakfast. there's half a jug of milk that needs to be drunk before it goes bad. maybe i'll have some cereal.

i've decided to change my weigh-in day.

my new weigh in day will be friday. a whole new beginning and best of all a whole new set of flex points. i think it will work better for me to have these available for the weekend instead of for monday. if i have them during the week i just seem to snack a lot and then when it's the weekend and i'm going out with friends and stuff i have no points left. this way if i want extra points to eat during the week i'll have to exercise to earn APs. now that sounds like a plan.

so, i stepped on that scale this morning got hubby to read the number and it read 250 pounds. i am so stoked and proud of myself! down another 2 pounds. i can't believe i'm succeeding at this. another pound and i'll have reached my mini-goal weight which i had set to achieve by april 19th. i'm already starting to think of what i want to do next.

i wonder if it's a good idea to set rewards for certain amounts of weight lost. should i say when i lose another 20 pounds i get treated to a meal out, or a new pair of pants? or should the reward simply be better health and improved self-esteem?

i don't really have much to say today.

i wish i did.

i went out for lunch with my friend to my favoritist (is that even a word) restaurant, 'carlos and murphys' in osborne village (pictured on the left <-----------).



& i didn't make the best food choices. i ordered a big ol' plate of nachos. they were sooooo yummy. why do nachos have to be so many points?

afterwards we went for a walk and pushing the stroller in the snow was a lot of work! i couldn't believe how hard it was to push the stroller on a slushy, snowy sidewalk. but it was nice to be out in january with only a sweater and a hoodie on. i can't believe how warm it has been.

on this, the last day of january i think it will be good to look at all the changes i have made in my life and what i have accomplished.

since january 1st of this year i have,

• only had 1 cigarette (and it really wasn't that enjoyable)
• started following ww january 19
• lost 7 pounds
• exercised a dozen (or so) times
• learned a bunch of healthy recipes (cajun wraps being one of them--yum!)
• kept the house (reasonably) clean everyday
• only weighed myself 3 times since starting ww (i am not a slave to that scale)
• kept a food journal since January 14 (i am paying attention to what i am putting in my mouth)

i stepped on that scale again this morning, i got S to read the number and it said...........drumroll please................

i don't want to have this double chin anymore. i'm tired of it. i'm sick of hiding behind turtlenecks and i'm even sicker from feeling disgusting when i don't have one on. i'm tired of trying to figure out ways to put my arm or hand or turtleneck or blanket or another body or S in the way so that my double chin isn't immortalized forever in a picture.

i don't know when i developed this double chin. i know years ago if i hunched my shoulders up and pulled my face back i had a double chin, but now it's just always....there. it never goes away now. even if i lift my neck up and pull my shoulders back it still.....there. i hope it's one of the first things to go when i lose this weight. it'd better be.

some updates:

• i made the zero points soup and it's okay. i can see how it would get very boring very fast though. some days i think you'd have to dress it up with some noodles or some chicken. or other vegetables. i've got a whole freakin' head of cabbage so i'm going to be making it a few more times though. hah.
• the biggest loser workout dvd arrived earlier. it came three days earlier than amazon was predicting. i did the first workout this morning and while it was challenging it wasn't too dificult if you know what i mean. there was no crossover, kick, punch, crossover, make lunch, hold a baby, crossover, plie, smile, solve the worlds problems, crossover, double kick. it was pretty simple moves. i was SWEATING again. wow, i haven't sweat like this in years. all in all a good workout and a good buy. i can't wait to try out the next 5 workouts.
• last night me and S went out for supper and i overindulged. again. what is it with me and poor food choices at restaurants? anyways...i got the tostada which was a good choice (i mean it wasn't the nachos and it wasn't the chimichangas) but then i decide we need to get desert. *blushing* deep fried yummy pastry thing with ice cream and whipping cream and strawberries and strawberry sauce. mmmmmmmmmm. so good. there went the rest of my flex points and the rest of the points for the day. oops.
• my excel has crapped out and needs to be reinstalled so i'm without my spreadsheat for recording my food and counting points and stuff. i'm feeling very lost.

but that's about it for this saturday. the baby's finally gone down for his nap and my friends on her way over for supper (chicken and potatoes and carrots and salad) and some board games (maybe some cranium?).