When I was a child at church, I always pictured myself at the front leading worship.  Always.  Even when I was six years old and had no idea what was going on.  As I aged I tried to ignore this confusing fantasy more and more.  I thought, “what kind of a fantasy is this?”  I was convinced that while children were at church they were supposed to daydream about rocket ships or days at the beach; not picturing themselves leading prayer or wearing a stole.  It was even more confusing for me because I also spent a portion of my childhood time in pews trying to convince myself that God did not exist, that he could not exist.  It was a lot to think about as a youngster.

Looking back, it seems like a crazy internal dialogue to have had.  And it was.  I felt a Divine calling and yet the secular was pulling me in the opposite direction.  I played both sides of the field for quite a few years.  Reverently faith filled one week and unabashed non-believer the next.  By the time I arrived at adolescence I was firmly a Christian.  I loved church and being part of a larger community. While there were many questions and concerns about the Christian Faith I felt I had found the place where I belonged.  When I was 15 I had a self propelled urge to be Confirmed.  The public declaration of my beliefs through Confirmation was a wonderful experience for me.  I felt honoured to not only announce my belief in Jesus and my commitment to follow Him, but to also formally become a part of my faith community in an adult capacity.  I was excited to begin this journey of Faith that had begun with my baptism and the vows that my mother and father had made when I was a baby.

As I entered University I somehow ended up majoring in Religious Studies.  In my eyes this academic discipline served to poke holes in Scripture and to cause me doubt.  It took some time, but in the end I did not feel distanced from the texts.  Rather, I felt closer—more drawn to them.  I wanted to learn more and know more.  After graduation I registered in the MDiv program and completed one course.  In the middle of taking this course my life was upturned and I did not proceed with the program.  The next year was difficult for me.  I struggled with a variety of issues including a failed 10 year relationship.  These problems led to an internal spiritual struggle.  I think at this point in my life I felt the furthest away from the Love and Protection of the Divine.  It was a year of sadness, depression, and excesses for me.  Looking back, I think that at that time I was at my lowest and felt like God had turned his back on me.  However, instead of working on myself and looking inside to figure out why I was feeling this way I simply chose to ignore my problems.  I spent that year rebelling (although I did not know what I was rebelling from) in meaningless self-destruction.

Everything turned around when I met my husband.  It was a whirlwind exciting time in my life.  We were married 4 months after meeting in December and in June my son was born.  All the changes were difficult, but exhilarating at the same time.  I felt the love of another individual that I had so desperately sought and I was able to recognize that this was made possible by God.  I witnessed the miracle of a new life coming into the world and was astounded by seeing the Love of God in Action. 

Shortly after the birth of my son, my Mom woke up one morning and was paralyzed from the chest down.  She spent about 6 months in the hospital as she regained feeling and learned how to walk and function again with limited mobility.  My whole family experienced many issues during this time.  The issues ranged from poor communication from the medical community, lack of support from other friends and family members, feelings of fear and confusion, and a very imperfect medical system.  It was during this horrible time in the midst of all these problems that I began to feel like there was something I should be doing to help alleviate others from going through a similar situation.  I just wasn’t sure what that something was supposed to be.  The physicians were never able to fully diagnose my mother, but only would say that her recovery was miraculous.  Today my mother works part time, only walks with a cane, drives, and is able to live on her own.

Over the years I have come to find great peace and comfort in worship services.  I have enjoyed participating in the life and work of my congregation.  I definitely enjoy learning about the Bible and Christianity and spending time in personal reflection.  One year ago I accepted the position of  FSM Co-ordinator and have been working with families and children to learn about God and Jesus and to make connections with others in our congregation.  FSM has a monthly intergenerational worship service that I organize and preside over.  We also have monthly activities that I co-ordinate and facilitate.  FSM has been a wonderful experience for me.  I enjoy working with our minister and being with the children.

While my call to Ministry has not been dramatic, it has grown slowly over the years.  If I were to attempt to describe the feeling in words I would have said that the feeling had become “louder” and that it began to feel like an invisible but firm “push”.  The loudness and physicality had become difficult to ignore.  It seemed like there were messages or signs urging me to voice what I was feeling.  I remember attending one funeral and hearing the minister preach about how we are called by God to walk different paths.  He spoke at length about how the deceased had been called to carpentry and to make beautiful items out of wood.  He told us all that the deceased had even left a successful career in the financial field to pursue carpentry.  As he talked about this, all I could think of was that I felt that I should be following a different path.  I felt that I should be listening to what I had been feeling and ignoring all these years.  This realization felt impossible and yet possible.  It was that night that I confessed to my Minister that I had felt a call by God.

In terms of what Ministry and the different streams mean to me I like to keep the answer simple.  Simply put I believe that we are called to be Disciples of Christ and carry out his work by using the gifts and skills we have been given by God.  I believe that God calls some individuals to serve as leaders within the Faith Community.  Out of those called to leadership roles, some move forward into paid accountable ministry.  I also understand that paid accountable ministry can take a variety of forms including but not limited to working in the community, serving in hospitals, teaching the Gospel, giving pastoral care, and in leading worship.  I feel that the “Song of Faith” describes what Ministry is in simple, yet profound words in the following,

“We are each given particular gifts of the Spirit./For the sake of the world,/God calls all followers of Jesus to Christian ministry./In the church,/some are called to specific ministries of leadership,/both lay and ordered;/some witness to the good news;/some uphold the art of worship;/some comfort the grieving and guide the wandering;/some build up the community of wisdom;/some stand with the oppressed and work for justice./To embody God’s love in the world,/the work of the church requires the ministry and discipleship/of all believers.”

I believe that God is the creator of all.  All that is seen and all that we cannot see.  I believe that his son, Jesus Christ was born here on Earth and delivered his message of love and grace and eternal life to all people.  I believe Christ was put to death and on the third day he was resurrected.  I believe the Scriptures speak to the Word of the Lord.  I believe that God’s love shines upon us all.  He is our caregiver and I feel connected to this Holiness.  It’s harder to describe how I experience God.  I feel God is in everything.  I feel he is like a steady heartbeat that is inside everything, everyone, and envelopes us.  I see God in my son.  In all children.  I feel God in the quiet moments of prayer, in the joyous hymns of praise, in the shouts of children, in the recitation of Scripture, in the still of the night, in the rush of morning traffic.  When I close my eyes and open my heart I can almost feel the Divine presence inside of me, guiding me.

Over the last year I have learned that it is very difficult to talk about myself, my feelings, and my experiences with others.  While rewarding, it was hard to come prepared to each meeting knowing that I had to be ready to relate not only my reflections and thoughts concerning this process but also speak about events and behaviours from my past.  It was also difficult to have members of the committee change during the year, but it was also helpful to have a variety of perspectives and to hear so many life stories and different faith journeys.  The committee was very supportive and understanding as I dealt with my feelings and issues surrounding the death of my father.  I felt that as our meetings progressed we were able to achieve a conversational atmosphere rather then one of simply Question & Answer.  The conversational atmosphere helped us to speak about more personal issues and thoughts together as a group.  We talked about a variety of subjects including the cost of schooling, which I plan to fund in a variety of ways.  They include bursaries, scholarships, loans from a family member, and personal savings.  During this year as an Inquirer I spoke to my minister, quite often as I worked through each meetings topics/questions.  After completing the year long process I believe I have been blessed with the following gifts and skills:  compassion, love, patience, self-awareness, creativity, determination, maturity, and scholarship.

Peace in Christ,

~dinah 

**I started writing this post on December 11th...and I'm only finishing it now...on December 20th.  What can I say?  I'm super slow as molasses.**

It's been a long time since I've posted and much has happened since I last posted.  I'm not very good at regular posting.

•  My Mom sold her house and moved to an apartment.  It's been a relief not to have to worry about the house and her being in the house in the winter.
• I am still waiting on that job that I posted about almost a year ago.  The job was posted in December 2009.  I went for the test in April, the interview in July, they checked my references in October and a couple weeks ago I got an email about the position.  It told me that I met all the essential qualifications and that I was placed in a pool that may or may not be used to staff the position, blah, blah.  I can check the job poster to see if the position has been filled and so far it's still open.  So, I guess I'm still in the running?
• My Discernment Committee recommended to my Church Council that I become a Candidate for Diaconal Ministry!  The year long discernment process is over! It's mostly official now.  It still needs to be approved by Presbytery and I have to sit two candidacy interviews, but I am pleased that things are moving along.  If all goes well I can do the first module this May/June.  I hope to post more about the program I am undertaking and what it all involves.
• I applied for another position in a different department and I've gone to write the test for the position. 
• I've been super busy making things for Christmas.  I've got so many pictures to take and upload for everyone to see.  Andrew is super excited about Christmas this year.  He woke Husband and me up at 6:15 AM this morning to tell us that Christmas is coming in 4 days!  lol.

The role and function of ministry personnel requires a great deal from a person.

Since I've begun this journey this is what I have indeed noticed!  It's hard enough working a regular job, I can only imagine the uncertainty and stress that would go along with being a Minister.  Being with people while they are sick, suffering, scared, at their worst would definitely tall a toll on someone.  I wonder if I would have the strength of character to fill such a position?  But, it's not all negative, right?  Week to week you are able to see individuals succeed, witness marriages, relationships, and happy times.  There is always so much to celebrate.  Are you born with strength of character?  Can you learn it?  Can it come slowly to you over the years?

As the church is discerning the outward call and the call of gifts, it might consider the evidence of or potential for the following gifts:

The question, as I see it, is how do I fit into these gifts...

• Deep spiritual life: Ministry requires a profound sense and experience of the Spirit of God within the individual, ongoing discernment of the Holy, and passion for being part of God’s mission in the world.

 This is a tall order!  Deep Spiritual Life?  How can one self-identify in this way?  Would it not simply be vanity or pride at that point?  It's hard to see things in yourself, that's for sure.  In fact, the more I reflect on this, in a way the less I feel connected to the Spirit and to my path.  Before, it felt like there was signs everywhere nudging me in this direction.  Pointing me towards Ministry, saying, "hey, come this way, this is where you are supposed to be."  Now, it feels like I am grasping at straws and not getting anywhere.  It's not so easy to just say:  Sense & Experience of the Spirit of God, Check!  Discernment of the Holy, Check!  Passion for being part of the mission, Check!


I am a part of God's mission in the world.  I am always taking part in attempting to discern what is Holy.  I am always looking to experience the Spirit.  But, am I able to put how I do this into words?  It's hard.

• Integrity of self: Authentic ministry is grounded in the integration of the emotional and spiritual self with acquired knowledge and abilities.

Do I have integrity?  Yes, I believe so.  I follow what I think is right.  I'm not afraid to speak my mind when appropriate.  I've read the statement about a dozen times already and to be honest, I don't know what they're getting at?  Are they getting at using everything you know in the right ways?  I'm having a hard time thinking this one through.

•  Understanding of human behaviour: Pastoral ministry requires a well-developed capacity for active listening. It also requires a psychological and sociological understanding of human dynamics in individuals and groups.

I'd like to think I'm good with people.  At work, people come to tell me their problems & I try to help them fix stuff.  I am a good, impartial listener.  At work I am viewed as being something like Switzerland, I always hear about both sides of scandal & controversy, but remain only a listener (but that is mostly because of where I work and the type of employee I am).  I would say that my understanding of people could definitely be improved with further study, but I think I've got the basics down (for the most part :P ).

• Scholarship: The ministry of leadership requires an ability to comprehend and teach theological concepts, the traditions of the church, and biblical scholarship, as well as to nurture the faith in others.

 Hands down, I like Academia.  I thoroughly enjoy learning about Religion & Theology.  Do I  have the capacity to teach these concepts and nurture Faith in others?  I think so.  At one time I did contemplate becoming a teacher and I was a Teacher's Assistant for a few years.  I taught special needs kids how to read.   But, sometimes I don't think well on my feet and I feel like I can't get out what I want to say.  I do worry about saying the right things at the right time.

• Commitment to and longing for justice: The commitment to work prophetically for all is the direct result of a robust faith.

 Definitely.

• Capacity for critical reflection: The ability to be self-critical, to assess situations appropriately, and to reflect on one’s actions and their effects on others is important. 

Well, I am self-critical to a fault.  I am insanely hard on myself, so this is probably not the best thing for me to get hung up on.

• Capacity to be a lifelong learner: The openness to admit there is much to be learned and a growing demonstration of the willingness to integrate new ideas, patterns of behaviours, and skills are essential for ministry.

Definitely.  I love learning.

• Appreciation of administration: Ministry requires respect for, and knowledge of, church polity and the ability to oversee the institutional health and well-being of a congregation or community ministry. Does the individual understand administration to be part of the call?

Now, when I hear the word administration I don't immediately think of what it says there.  I think of mad skillz and managing an office.  I think I could work up to being able to oversee the health and well-being of a congregation.  I would think that comes with experience, non?

In addition to the above gifts, the potential to develop certain skills is important. Leadership in ministry requires the ability to develop skills in preaching, counselling, outreach, education, leadership, administration, and group dynamics.

That's a big list-yet another big list! Didn't we cover those things just above?

This list is not meant to identify the “perfect” person or to provide a shopping list of qualities and skills. Clearly, no one person will ever embody all of these qualities perfectly. Nevertheless, it is a helpful guide in thinking about responding to a call to ministry.

It is helpful, but it sure is daunting.  After reading everything, I worry that it will be declared that I am not 'ideal' enough because I don't meet all the criteria.  But, then I think that is just me being hyper critical of myself again.

There is so much to think about. 

My next discernment committee is on Tuesday evening and so I have begun to focus more on the readings and the questions that we will be discussing.  This meeting is focussing on Ministry & Call.   My next few blog entries are going to be relating to this.

In the United Church there are 3 streams of Ministry.

Diaconal Ministry: 

Diaconal ministers are commissioned to carry out a ministry of education, service, and pastoral care. They are part of the one Order of Ministry in The United Church of Canada, sharing fully with those who are ordained. The word “diaconal” comes from the Greek word diakonia, which means service among others, and has it roots in the Christian scriptures.
Diaconal ministers seek to educate and enable all people, at various ages and stages of life, to work together toward a vision of justice and wholeness in the world. This ministry includes helping people to maintain relationships that are life-giving and sustain community. It is a ministry that requires the desire and ability to stand with the suffering and to work with them for healing, growth, dignity, and justice. . . Education for diaconal ministry is available through the Centre for Christian Studies (a theological school recognized by The United Church of Canada), which is located in Winnipeg. The centre offers a community-based program consisting of four years of study while serving in a ministry setting. . . Diaconal ministers serve in various capacities, such as in congregational ministry, in community development, as chaplains, in inner-city ministry, as overseas personnel, at lay education centres and theological schools, or in staff positions at presbytery/district, Conference, or General Council. Sometimes these ministries include worship and the sacraments. One significant aspect of this ministry is the cooperative “team” relationship that is central to the diaconal minister’s style and identity.

Ordained Ministry:

Ordained ministers are ordained to a ministry of word, sacrament, and pastoral care as part of the one Order of Ministry in The United Church of Canada. This ministry usually happens in a congregation where the ordained minister empowers the people of God, teaches, leads worship, preaches, and administers the sacraments and rites of the church. She or he also ministers to the community at large through her or his representative function and witness to the faith of Jesus Christ. . . Education for ordained ministry normally consists of an undergraduate program leading to a bachelor’s degree, followed by a three-year program of preparation for ministry leading to a Master of Divinity degree from a theological school recognized by the United Church.

Designated Lay Ministry:

A new program is being implemented that governs and equips lay members of the United Church to serve in paid accountable leadership for worship, pastoral care, education, and service in the church.

 That's the basic gist of the 3 of them.   Immediately, I am drawn to the Diaconal stream.  I am particularly interested in: " to work together toward a vision of justice and wholeness in the world", "It is a ministry that requires the desire and ability to stand with the suffering and to work with them for healing, growth, dignity, and justice", and "serve in various capacities, such as in congregational ministry, in community development, as chaplains, in inner-city ministry, as overseas personnel, at lay education centres and theological schools, or in staff positions at presbytery/district, Conference, or General Council."  This all sounds like the right combination of elements.

But, this is, kind of a backwards way to look at things.  We should begin at the beginning.

The beginning is a Call.  The United Church recognizes that All Christians are called to "participate in and extend the ministry of Jesus Christ by witnessing to the gospel in church and society."  In varying degrees we are all called to some form of Ministry within the Church.  Maybe we teach Sunday School, maybe we are lectionary readers, or greeters, or sing in the choir.  Whatever you do, that is what you have been called by God to do.  Some are called to be Leaders in the Church.

There are 4 elements to a Call as outlined by theologian H. Richard Niebuhr:

1. The Call to Be a Christian
The call to be a Christian is the common calling we all share, the call to discipleship of Jesus Christ—to hearing and doing the Word of God. The letter to the Ephesians (4:1) includes the reminder “to lead a life worthy of the calling [vocation] to which you have been called.” All Christian believers have a vocation to be “co-creators” and stewards of community and all creation, in order to fulfill God’s purposes for humanity. This is the call of all.

 2. The Call from God to a Specific Leadership Role
The call from God to a specific leadership role may come to some in the church. This is the call of some from within the call of all. In The United Church of Canada, people called to the Order of Ministry serving in paid, accountable ministry positions are known as ministry personnel.
One thing inward calls have in common is that each is different. Each of us is unique and special in God’s sight, so God approaches us in unique ways. . . However, many different voices call to us, so it is necessary to listen for and separate out the voice of God from the voice of society or our own self-interest. A personal spiritual experience that is the call to be a Christian may not be a call to the Order of Ministry.

3. The Outward or Providential Call
Hence, the third call that comes to some is the outward or providential call. This call, which comes from the wisdom, care, and guidance provided by God, recognizes God-given gifts and talents necessary to exercise the office of leadership as affirmed by the faith community. The purpose of the outward call is to examine and confirm the preliminary intuition of the call to a specific leadership role. The people of the faith community who nurture and support those who feel called in their struggle to find meaning, and the committees that interview those who feel called, are all part of this outward call.
Note that the call to a specific leadership role or the outward call is not more important than the call to be a Christian. They are different expressions of how God calls all of us to faithful living as we exercise our gifts for the glory of God and the well-being of our world and its inhabitants.

4. The Call of Gifts
The call of gifts is the confirmation and invitation of the church to engage in ministry personnel leadership in the church. In The United Church of Canada, presbyteries/districts and Conferences determine suitability and readiness through processes of discernment, education, formation, accompaniment, and examination.
The role and function of ministry personnel requires a great deal from a person. As the church is discerning the outward call and the call of gifts, it might consider the evidence of or potential for the following gifts:  Deep spiritual life, Integrity of self, Understanding of human behaviour, Scholarship, Commitment to and longing for justice, Capacity for critical reflection, Capacity to be a lifelong learner, and Appreciation of administration.  In addition to the above gifts, the potential to develop certain skills is important. Leadership in ministry requires the ability to develop skills in preaching, counselling, outreach, education, leadership, administration, and group dynamics.
This list is not meant to identify the “perfect” person or to provide a shopping list of qualities and skills. Clearly, no one person will ever embody all of these qualities perfectly. Nevertheless, it is a helpful guide in thinking about responding to a call to ministry.

 So, that's the guts of what I've been reflecting on and thinking about and reading about these past few weeks.

I have a firm grasp of #1 & #2.  I am a Christian and I do have a call to a specific leadership role within the Church.  I enjoying being the Family Ministry Coordinator at my church and participating on the Council. It's #3 & #4 that require more thought and reflection.  They will be the subject of my next post.

These things I now know to be true when I might not have know about it in the past (how's that for a mouthful?):

• God exists & I believe in God.
• Everything is not so black & white. Grey is perfectly acceptable as well.
• Everyone is called to ministry. God is calling me to serve.
• Things are hard.
• Christ is Awesome & Scary at the same time. It's okay to be simultaneously awed and scared.
• Christ was crucified & rose on the third day.
• God is Christ is Holy Spirit.
• Evil as an entity-a force-most likely exists. I'm still a fence sitter.
• The United Church of Canada is a nice place to be. We are always trying to do the right thing.
• It's worth it to read the bible. Take it slow.
• There is so much more then just the words. Historical, political, theological, and emotional contexts are KEY. Look beyond the words.
• Faith & Spirituality don't just happen. You have to work at it. Fill yourself with the LORD. Pray, think, stare into space, talk to others, meditate, read, whatever. Challenge yourself.
• It's good to tell people that I am Christian. I am learning to live my Faith. Especially at work & play.
• Big words and Big thoughts are no match for small actions & small deeds.
• It's hard to believe in Jesus & follow him. People who say it's easy have missed the boat.
• Things got harder to believe as I got older. But I persevere.
• I can do this. God wants me to and so do I.
  

What do I do to nurture my spiritual life?

It's hard to nurture. It's hard to slow down. It's hard to take care of your faith, your spirituality. It's hardest to take care of yourself. You blink & it's bedtime. You blink & you're at work. You blink & you're in the car. You blink & you're child minding. You blink and it's happening all over again. It's hard to realize these are excuses.

Dig Deeper.

I can say that I have begun to spend time in study and reflection on Saturday mornings, that I read the bible on a regular basis (like twice a week), and partake in conscientious prayer. I can say that as First Sundays Ministry Coordinator I spend time nurturing my spiritual life with research and inquiry. I can say that active participation in church committees is nurturing. I can say that regular church attendance and taking time to enjoy the company of family and friends provides my spiritual life with nurturing.

Dig Deeper.

I can say that I am planning to read the Bible on a daily basis, that I will reflect theologically using Johnson's Method on a weekly basis, and that I will prayer morning and night.

Why should I feel the need to quantify? Six of this, a dozen of that, four of the other.

They are not looking a recipe.

Dig Deeper.

I am learning. I am learning to consciously make time for prayer & study & reading the bible. I am slowly making time in my life for these things. I am learning to put my spiritual life and God before TV, before shopping, the computer, before idleness.

It takes motivation, discipline, enthusiasm.

I am also beginning to realize that everything cannot be answered by books. The answers to my nagging questions & my unexplainable need to act on God's voice are not in print. No one else can tell me what to do or say or think next. I suppose they can give guidance and give me stuff to think about, but nowhere will they ever say, "Hey you, Dinah THIS is what God wants you to do". They may recount what God called them to do and how they fulfilled this call from above. I tend to fall back on books. Surely, they will have the answers. They will tell me what to think. They will tell me how to answer the questions. They will tell me what to say to my discernment committee. They will make me look smart. They will fill me full of words. I think secretly I hide behind books. I don't try to answer questions because I don't have the knowledge. I always think I need to read more books--the right books.

Dig Deeper

I need to learn to remember to turn inwards. I will find the answers inside me. I simply need to listen to the Voice & Word of God. I need to be open to digging deeper

**I've been slowly (& I mean slowly) working my way through my study guide. This is the piece I wrote in response to the section on Jesus.**

teacher. confusing. resurrected. tempted. important. awesome. all knowing. overlooked. feminist. revolutionary. bigger then me. savior & god & spirit. jesus is god incarnate. lamb. crucified. holy. with me. the christ. triune.

Sometimes I feel that Christ is almost too big of a concept for me. Sometimes I feel that the ease with which others proclaim Christ to be their Savior precludes me from doing this ever. Sometimes I feel like a hollow shell waiting to be filled. Sometimes I wonder what it must feel like to be filled & suddenly be worry-less. Sometimes I am terrified by the awesomeness of Jesus. Sometimes I worry I focus too much on God - a generic Divine God. Sometimes I worry that I'm really Jewish. Or Hindu. Or Muslim. Or Pagan. Or Atheist. Or waiting for proof. Sometimes I wonder how one can accept Jesus into their heart as their personal savior. Sometimes I am scared because I have broken the rules, not been a fisher of men, and doubted. Sometimes I am proud that I have done those things. Sometimes I worry that I have not be Called. Sometimes I am inspired by Jesus--his works, deeds, miracles, parables, words. Especially by his willingness to die. Sometimes I'm confused about what he wants me to do. Who he wants me to be. What he wants me to say. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I hope the answers will come. Mostly I know they won't.

We all work in [on] Faith & Obedience.

I went to the funeral of an old friends father today. I have not seen my friend in many years. I went through a...shall we say turbulent time a few years ago I distanced myself from many of my friends and family. Most people I've reconnected with over the years, but I never had with Jane. It was very nice seeing her today and in some ways it almost felt like no time had passed. We both cried and I've made the commitment to call her so we can go out for coffee or drinks one night.

I found the whole experience much harder then I was anticipating. Generally funerals don't have much of an effect on me. In a strange way I find them very fascinating. But today I was affected. I know that it is very close to my Father's death still and that events like this will make me sad. I almost felt like I would not be able to return to work in the afternoon.

But, I am glad that I went back to work because I was able to meet with the MFRC 's employment counselor. It was nice to meet with someone and talk about my future. He is going to put me in his database and he gave me some tips for improving my resume/cover letters. He was also telling me about a very interesting sounding job at the Legislature for an MLA.

I emailed Betty from Edmonton about the job and politely declined to continue with the screening process. Husband and I talked about the situation at length and we have decided that for the time being Winnipeg is where we need to be. Andrew has just settled into his new school (& we don't want to replay another disastrous school), my Mom needs us right now, I would have to stop my call to ministry and re-begin the call after a year with another congregation, and the cost of living is so high in Edmonton that we would not be able to enjoy the same standard of living as we do here (ie. Husband staying home with Andrew and working part time in the evenings/weekends). I'm sad, but also feeling like we made the right decision for our family at this time.

Tonight was the second meeting of my discernment committee and I have lots to say on the subject. Just not right now. Right now I'm tired and not doing well with words. I'll have to leave it to another day. In a nutshell though, I don't find I'm communicating very well what I've learned, what I believe, what I've been doing for reflection, and I don't find myself answering their questions very well.

Husband bought a slide converter and we've been transferring slides onto the computer. My Father had a whole box of slides in the basement at his house that no one had ever seen from circa 1983. It's been good for remembering going through all them. I thought I would leave you with some of my favourites.

In Reflecting With God, Abigail Johnson discusses what it means to reflect theologically in the simplest terms. She is clear to assert that "we are theologically reflecting when we ask, "where is God in this?" and/or "what does God want me to learn from this?" These 2 questions are essentially the basis for all theological study by theologians (which she defines as anyone who intentionally reflects on their faith in conjunction with biblical texts and then attempts to bring that knowledge & faith into their daily life). Johnson goes on to add some further questions that can provide a deeper understanding. The further questions are as follows,

• Where is God for others?
• What biblical texts come to mind?
• What theological themes or concepts come to mind?
• What church traditions connect with the event?

I want to attempt to apply this idea, this reflection, and this study to an aspect of my daily life. It's hard to decide what to reflect on. I know I desperately want to figure out where God is in my Full time work. & what God wants me to learn about the death of my Father. & where is God in regards to my mental health issues. I also want to know where exactly God is in my marriage, my parenting, my hobbies, my blog, my crafting, my everything.

It's hard to pick. Any ideas?

How does someone experience God? How does it happen? When does it happen? How will you notice? How will you know?

When you are little it is so easy. God is up in heaven, up in the sky with the angels. Underneath our feet is hell with the devil. When you die your soul (whatever that is, you don't get it, but you know that is the word to use) either goes up or down. That's it. Up or Down. Good people go up (so say your prayers & go to church & be good) and Bad people go down (so no lies, no stealing, & don't miss church). Easy peasy.

& if only it could stay that way.

But too soon you grow up. Toys are put away, days playing outside are long forgotten, cartoons lose their appeal, and expectations are everywhere. Church is no longer songs and games and crafts and happily running around and dancing in the aisles.

Too soon you grow up. You learn the sky turns into space and stars and planets. The ground is only a series of layers. Crust, core, and magma. It is infinitesimally harder to distinguish who is a Good Person and who is a Bad Person? Who decides what is Good and what is Bad? Fingers, toes, and eyes become actions, exploits, and deeds.


Life & Faith & God become a series of Leaps. They have to. Is a leaf always a leaf or is it more? Is it the wonderment of a miracle realized? Or is it cells brought together and photosynthesis and a carbon based vegetation? Is it both--it is all the realization of the Divine's Actions on the 3rd day? Is that a cop-out? The birth of a child is a leap as well. How can cells come together to make a real live breathing growing learning beautiful baby? The prophet Jeremiah is told by God "before I formed you in the womb I knew you." Another leap. Being known before conception, how is that possible? Leap upon Leap.

I could list dozens and dozens of ways that we experience God and see God and know God, but in essence, they are all leaps.

crisp paper. blue pens. ice skates in winter. babies laughing. sun shining. carefully made beds. lemon fresh. a good laugh. prayers offered. warm baths. runs by the river. gooey grilled cheese sandwiches. snuggles in bed. hymns of praise.

But you can see that it's easiest to only see God in the Good, warm, happy ways. Easy leaps. Ways we went to see the Divine.

Our list would never as follows:

knives brandished. money stolen. children forgotten. storm clouds. food bank line-ups. jobs cut. tears cried. backs turned. ashes where trees once stood. shouting matches. occupied hospital beds. soldiers killed. soldiers killing. child soldiers. cheques bounces. shoes with holes.

Where is the holy in those instances?

It's hard work experiencing God when it's not all rainbows and lollipops. Does God come after? Is God in the hands that help a woman after she is raped? Is God in the gifts from strangers when a house is destroyed by fire? Is God in the kinds words spoken when a father dies? Is God in the medicine given to stop illness? Is God in apologies? Reparations? Restorative Justice?

Is God only a leap of faith in a recovery program?

This morning I am thinking about the word Faith. One of the exercises in a book I'm reading is to think about "what words or images, whether positive or challenging, do you associate with the word Faith? Explore the feelings that they evoke and some of the experiences attached to them"

When I see the word Faith I think of someone that is unwavering in their Faith. They always know what the believe and what they believe in. They are able to answer questions about their faith and they are able to suffer scrutiny from others about their faith. Because of their faith they are able to always do the right thing and say the right thing.

Is Faith a positive term for me? It is my mother's name. I do think of faith and see my mother in my head and I hear her voice and I can feel her hugs and I can smell her perfume. Faith is MATERNAL for me. Faith is about mothers and love and support and encouragement and home. It's true, faith = home for me.

& while faith can equal home for me, it is not necessarily fact that I feel that I have faith. I feel at home in a house of faith (both ways!), but I often feel that I lack faith. I don't have the answers, I don't know the questions, I can't elucidate what I do feel/think, I am hesitant to share, I am slow to act, and I never evangelize.

My study book asks if my understanding of faith has changed over the years...and I am not sure how to answer this question. My immediate reaction is of course it has changed. In all aspects of my life I have changed. I grew up, I learned more, I went to University, I studied Religious Studies, I have read many books, I have listened to many Preachers, I partied and experienced life, I got married, I had a child, and on and on. I have changed so much in my 31 years. But has God and my understanding of God? Has it changed? I still question the same things I did as a young child, "Why can't we see God?", "Where is God", "Why is there bad/evil/disaster/suffering in the world?", "Why do we go to church/study the bible?". I may have added some more now as an adult and I may use bigger words, but really it is all still the same question..."Does God exist?", "& What does God want from me/us?" So, has it really changed? I'm not sure. Has it changed because my small little seed of faith is still there and while some days it grows, some days it shrinks back to a seed, like the seed of faith of a child? Is this change or simply inflation/deflation? I'm still not sure. But--I keep trying. I don't give up. I am still looking for answers and I am still looking for questions. I am still challenging myself.

I am still journeying.

Peace,
~dinah

PS. I see that this was mostly Faith, more to come later about Spirituality (if I don't run out of time).

In the midst of all the ugliness and sadness of this week I had my first meeting with my discernment committee in regards to discerning my call to ministry. You can read about my call to ministry here and here.

I can't believe how painstakingly slow this has been so far. I am certainly exercising my gift of patience during this process.

The first meeting was more just getting to know the other members of the committee. Two are from presbytery and I had never met them before and they had no clue who I was. The contents of the meetings are confidential, of course as each person on the committee shares information about their faith journey, beliefs, and personal life.

I did learn that in the past this process was called 'Testing the Faith" and I can see how it used to be called that. I was on the hot seat for the whole 2 hours! & I'm going to be on the hot seat for the next 5 sessions (which is the minimum number of sessions...it could be more). The handbook we are following has many tough and personal questions in it that I will have to address.

We've scheduled our next meeting and I have some homework and quite a bit of reading to get through for our next meeting which is the first week of April. I've ordered the books and 1 is supposed to be here tomorrow. I'm so excited!

I want to read the Bible more. I really don't read whole books or sections. I read it sporadically. I avoid parts that are more difficult. I always have something else to do. It's easy to put off.

I'm sad with this. I want to learn the stories in the Bible. I want to be inspired. I want know God's Word.

The UCC has a New Testament reading schedule on the website. I want to read the New Testament this year.

There are 27 books in the NT. I think it's totally doable and will totally help me while I am discerning my call to ministry.

This is a video of the church 1conference that I went to in November. The workshop that I went to in the morning was for youth and it was so encouraging because there was actual real live youth there! Sometimes I get discouraged because I am very nearly the only person between 12 and 45. It was also very encouraging because the Moderator of The United Church of Canada was at that workshop. It was a big honour to have her there with us, the young people of the Church and the folks that work with Youth. The afternoon workshop was about how community gardens and markets can change neighbourhoods for the best. It was very inspiring.

This is the letter that I wrote to my Church Council to be accepted as an Inquirer within the United Church. It was a hard letter to write. It took me a good 2 weeks to put this to paper. I'm very proud of the letter, and I hope that I don't sound silly in it. I'm so incredibly pleased to report that I am now officially an Inquirier within the United Church of Canada!

Brothers and Sisters,
Please accept this letter and attached form as my formal application to
receive official Inquirer Status within the United Church of Canada in
order to begin to discern my call to ministry.

While my call to ministry has not been dramatic, it has grown slowly
over the years. I have been a member of the United Church and part of
the Christian faith my whole life. I first felt a gentle call while in
University and at that time I explored this feeling by majoring in
Religious Studies. After I graduated I registered as a student in the
Masters of Divinity program and completed one course. During this time
I struggled with my faith, but through reflection, discussion and prayer
I was able to once again feel and recognize the love and support of
Christ.

S United Church has been my home congregation for many years now
and I have been an active member of the spiritual and communal life at
S. Reflection, prayer, and membership at S have not only
furthered my call to be a Christian but also to be a leader in the
church as well as wanting to serve within the church as a servant of
Jesus Christ. What was only a small feeling or a gentle nudge has now
become something more. There is now a sense of urgency that was not
there before. I have eagerly accepted the role of "First Sundays
Ministry" coordinator at S and am looking forward to seeing this
position grow and in seeing how this position allows me grow in faith
and leadership.

I believe that among others, I will bring the gifts of compassion,
patience, and love to the church. These three gifts have provided me
with a solid foundation to follow in my spiritual life and public life.
One of the best ways that I have used these gifts at home is by passing
my faith on to my young son. We enjoy praying together in the evening before bed and
attending church on Sunday is one of his favorite
activities.

I look forward to participating in the discernment process and
discovering how I can serve Christ and the church more fully. Thank you
for your time.

Respectfully submitted,

~dinah

You can read more about my journey here if you're interested.

ps. I'm not sure why the pagination is all wonky...but i'm too lazy to fix it...

Ever since I’ve been a little kid when I’ve been at church I’ve always pictured myself at the front leading worship. Always. Even when I was 6 and had no idea what was going on. As I aged I tried to ignore this fantasy more and more. After all, what kind of a fantasy was it? As a child at church weren’t you supposed to daydream about flying off in a rocket ship or dream about a day at the beach; not picturing yourself preaching or leading prayer or wearing a stole.

It was a funny contrast because I also spent a good portion of my childhood church experience sitting in a pew with my mother trying to convince myself that I was an Atheist. How could all this be true? How could God exist? How could it all make sense? How? In the end the only plausible answer could be that God did not exist. There was not Holy Spirit. Christ was not resurrected. The church was a sham. It was a lot to think about as a youngster.

On the one hand the Holy was dramatically calling and on the other hand the secular had this pull on me. I played both sides of the field. Reverently faith filled one week and an unabashed nonbeliever the next.

This continued through my life. Even as a youth I had this self propelled urge to be confirmed. I initiated it. & yet, I still could not really imagine a world where God existed. My creative writing at the time certainly reflected that. All doom and gloom and shame on the world. The same happened in University. My Religious Studies classes did nothing but serve to show all the inconsistencies in the Bible and the errors in everything faith related. But, it was still there, this…thing somewhere in the back of my mind. I finished my BA and still wanted to know more. I did enrol in the MDiv program, but I wasn’t ready, I guess. I could not conceive that one could study theology with such care and passion and such BELIEF and such certainty.

The big question I realize now that I should have addressed when I was younger was this, “why did I have to CONVINCE myself that I was a Christian?” Why couldn’t I just believe?

Why do I still, on some days, feel the need to be convinced? Perhaps the answer another day. :P

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflection for the past few weeks. I finally decided that it was time to approach my minister and ask for him to begin the process for me to discern a call to ministry. It's a long process, and while I still feel hesitant in some ways about the whole thing I also finally feel some level of peace surrounding feeling a call from God.

The first step is the Inquiry Stage where Presbytery will set up a Discernment Committee that I'll meet with over a period of 1 year to ascertain if ministry is indeed my calling and what kind of ministry I would do best at.

Over the next little while I want to write more about my call and about the church and about jesus and my place within all of this.

Right now I'm excited, scared, nervous, serene, and curious.

& sometimes it's just so hard.

sometimes the words don't want to come out, the ideas stay firmly planted inside myself. i think that i have something viable to say, but when push comes to shove i make powerpoints and scan story books and work from the works of others. & sometimes i feel so uncreative i hurt.

i've sat here for 1 month trying to decide what to say on this upcoming sunday and still there is nothing.

i want to say be passionate. teach your children passion. show your neighbors children your passion. show the world your passion. help others find their passion. help people discover.

take your knowledge and go out into the world. be servants of christ. be good. do good things. spend your money wisely. be kind. be tolerant. love your family. love strangers. love the world. be open to the world.

i want to say that it doesn't matter who your neighbor calls God or who people in other countries call God. i want to say that it doesn't matter. christ taught us to love everyone.

i don't have the answers. i don't even know where to start. i want to say that i just want to show images and words and thoughts and text and let them draw conclusions. i don't want to tell anyone what to think.

i want to say that i feel like a fake because i picked this theme of Sending Christian Greetings when really i have spent most of the month wondering why we aren't just sending Greetings to the world? why did i choose to restrict our greetings to such a select few? i want to say that i've spent most of this month wondering why i find the theme i picked so sad.

Today was a success! There was 14 children today! (12 kids and 2 babies) The adults all seemed to enjoy themselves too.

Some thoughts:

• 1 hour is too long...next month we should aim for 40-45 minutes
• Story time is a HIT....find an awesome story for next month
• Kids like to plant their seeds and then dump the mud into the flower bed and ask for more mud and seeds
• I need to learn to preside rather then babysit...
• Next month the kid that holds the banner should just stand with it at the front instead of trying to walk around with the ginourmous banner that is 3 times bigger then he is....although it was funny to see him walk into people and tables
• Andrew should not have 2 donuts right before Family Sunday service.
• We need more activities for the adults to do in the service....I don't want them just sitting there the entire time.
  

Anyways. I had a good time and the kids seemed to have had a good time. The adults too. I'm really enjoying the intergenerational worship.

I think for next month the theme is going to be "Sending Christian Greetings". We'll draw pictures, write letters, make cards (or something) to our 'sister' church in Cuba (and pray that they make it through customs) and to my aunts church in Calgary. I think it would be an excellent way to introduce the children the world 'out there' so we can move more into Mission and Service stuff.

Cheers!

Today was the first Sunday that we had Family Sunday at my new/old church. It went so well! The minister got this fabulous resource book called "A Year's Worth of Children's Church" and we are going to use it to help plan the Sundays. It sets up each service into simple and easy to understand parts. Cheering, Sharing, Listening, Exploring, Singing, and Praying. I think it's a wonderful book and I can't wait to use it.

The minister did most of the work on this service and the theme was "Using Our Hands & Noah's Ark". I was solely responsible for the activity in the Exploring section and we finger painted! Each child made a lovely little poster that said "Our Feet Take Us To Where Our Hands Do God's Work" (I put up a picture of Andrew's Poster--he got distracted while he was stamping his hand...). After they did that they went wild finger painting on a huge piece of paper.

I also got my Mom to trace everyone's hands onto felt and I'm going to make a Welcome Banner out of them that the chldren will carry around at the beginning of the Family Sundays.

I really enjoyed myself today. Husband even came and helped! Andrew had a ball and so did the other kids. This really feels like the right thing for me to be doing right now. I feel connected to this and today I felt at ease with the children and helping to lead the worship hour. I felt more connected to God and to my Church then I have in a very long time. Today I did not feel like I was running blind. Instead it felt as if I was acting on behalf of a bigger entity. Today I realized that this is what going to church and being part of a church community and being Christian is supposed to feel like.

Praise be indeed!

PS. Just for good measure I'm throwing in a recent picture of Andrew being his silly old self. :)