i don't really have much to say today.

i wish i did.

i went out for lunch with my friend to my favoritist (is that even a word) restaurant, 'carlos and murphys' in osborne village (pictured on the left <-----------).



& i didn't make the best food choices. i ordered a big ol' plate of nachos. they were sooooo yummy. why do nachos have to be so many points?

afterwards we went for a walk and pushing the stroller in the snow was a lot of work! i couldn't believe how hard it was to push the stroller on a slushy, snowy sidewalk. but it was nice to be out in january with only a sweater and a hoodie on. i can't believe how warm it has been.

on this, the last day of january i think it will be good to look at all the changes i have made in my life and what i have accomplished.

since january 1st of this year i have,

• only had 1 cigarette (and it really wasn't that enjoyable)
• started following ww january 19
• lost 7 pounds
• exercised a dozen (or so) times
• learned a bunch of healthy recipes (cajun wraps being one of them--yum!)
• kept the house (reasonably) clean everyday
• only weighed myself 3 times since starting ww (i am not a slave to that scale)
• kept a food journal since January 14 (i am paying attention to what i am putting in my mouth)

i stepped on that scale again this morning, i got S to read the number and it said...........drumroll please................

i don't want to have this double chin anymore. i'm tired of it. i'm sick of hiding behind turtlenecks and i'm even sicker from feeling disgusting when i don't have one on. i'm tired of trying to figure out ways to put my arm or hand or turtleneck or blanket or another body or S in the way so that my double chin isn't immortalized forever in a picture.

i don't know when i developed this double chin. i know years ago if i hunched my shoulders up and pulled my face back i had a double chin, but now it's just always....there. it never goes away now. even if i lift my neck up and pull my shoulders back it still.....there. i hope it's one of the first things to go when i lose this weight. it'd better be.

some updates:

• i made the zero points soup and it's okay. i can see how it would get very boring very fast though. some days i think you'd have to dress it up with some noodles or some chicken. or other vegetables. i've got a whole freakin' head of cabbage so i'm going to be making it a few more times though. hah.
• the biggest loser workout dvd arrived earlier. it came three days earlier than amazon was predicting. i did the first workout this morning and while it was challenging it wasn't too dificult if you know what i mean. there was no crossover, kick, punch, crossover, make lunch, hold a baby, crossover, plie, smile, solve the worlds problems, crossover, double kick. it was pretty simple moves. i was SWEATING again. wow, i haven't sweat like this in years. all in all a good workout and a good buy. i can't wait to try out the next 5 workouts.
• last night me and S went out for supper and i overindulged. again. what is it with me and poor food choices at restaurants? anyways...i got the tostada which was a good choice (i mean it wasn't the nachos and it wasn't the chimichangas) but then i decide we need to get desert. *blushing* deep fried yummy pastry thing with ice cream and whipping cream and strawberries and strawberry sauce. mmmmmmmmmm. so good. there went the rest of my flex points and the rest of the points for the day. oops.
• my excel has crapped out and needs to be reinstalled so i'm without my spreadsheat for recording my food and counting points and stuff. i'm feeling very lost.

but that's about it for this saturday. the baby's finally gone down for his nap and my friends on her way over for supper (chicken and potatoes and carrots and salad) and some board games (maybe some cranium?).

just the like the title says, "stouffers lean cuisine--only 4 points!" i had heard that stouffers was putting ww points right on the boxes and i didn't believe it. so last night when i went grocery shopping i scoped out the situation and lo and behold it is true. right there on the side of the box it said--4 pts. so i scooped myself up two ginger chicken and sesame ones. i had one for a snack (maybe dinner, a small dinner anywyas...) and it was good. with a side salad it would rock!

i also bought a ton of fruits and vegetables last night while shopping. now i just have to remember to eat them all before they go bad. and i have to think of fun and creative ways to get S to eat them.

i think tonight i'm going to attempt to make the zero points garden vegetable soup even though i forgot to get the zucchini (but that's okay cause i'm not that big of a zuchini fan). i remember making this recipe once years ago and i wasn't that big of a fan of it. i hope my taste buds have matured.

amazon is estimating that it should arrive between january 30th and january 21. i am so stoked about it. i was reading everyone talk about in on 3 Fat Chicks and it sounds like a great workout!

i'm still doing the stability ball workout but i need something to vary the exercise or else i will get bored...and fast. the women were also raving about this...


that is my next dvd to order. i want to make sure i have a variety of different things to exercise to.

why isn't there an easy way to do this?

why can't there be a magic pill?

why can't i eat teen burgers all day and still be thin?

today was a quiet day. i did my stability ball for dummies. i'm getting better at it, i can do all the exercises now for all of the repititions. i've ate well even though suppertime was rushed. we went to subway and i got a veggie delite sub with cheese and honey mustard. i'm guesstimating that was 15 points. and i ate well all morning and for lunch. i'm very proud of myself.

this morning i stepped on that awful scaled and it read 255 pounds. that is amazing. maybe it's not such an awful scale after all. maybe we can make peace and end the war?

i am feeling so motivated right now!

i got S to read it so i know i wasn't influencing the scale in any way or hoping to see something that wasn't there. i cannot remember the last time the scale went down instead of up or stayed the same. i've heard that this first week is usually a big weight loss b/c of water or whatever and then you slow down, but i don't care. i'm just so happy to see a smaller number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to run around and update all my tickers and update all the forums i go to.

that's enough ego stroking for now.

last night we went out for supper with S's friend. the plan was to go to applebees. so i went on the internet and checked out the point values for applebees and had 3 or 4 dishes in mind that i could order. i was feeling good about what would be good choices for me to order and what my plan was. well, we get to applebees and the wait is half an hour. so S's friend suggests we go to Pony Corral which is right next door and me not wanting to be a poop, agrees. then all reason went out the window. and i mean out the freakin' window! i got a diet coke (probably the only weight watcher friendly thing i did all evening), clubhouse sandwich (mayo, bacon, turkey, 3 slices of bread, yummy, yummy, yummy though), fries with a ton ketchup (which i don't even really realize i'm putting onto the fries until this morning???), coleslaw (creamy dressing) and some fo steve's riblets (cause he was going to leave leftovers--i had to eat them, i hate wasting food). from what i can figure that was like a 30 point meal. THAT"S WHAT I"M SUPPOSED TO EAT IN A DAY! youzers. no wonder i'm fat.

then we go to play pool at a local joint. i have two beers with clamato juice. another 7ish points. and then when we get home i have a butter tart b/c i rationalize that i've alrady screwed up the day so why bother and i have this last butter tart then it will be gone and i can throw the empty package away? it wasn't even that good of a butter tart. i think that was 10 points. so before i knew it i'd consumed like 55ish points yesterday. YOUZERS.

i need some eating out strategies. i knew that a salad or wrap or chicken stir fry would have been a better food choice, but i just couldn't do it. i convinced myself that a clubhouse was a good for you sandwich (hah!). i conveniently forgot about the mayo and the bacon.

upwards and onwards i go. i've got chicken in tomato sauce cooking for supper tonight...mmmm...

i really am lovin' it. i know you don't believe me, but here's why...

i recently bought a stability ball and was just trying to use it on my own, which wasn't happening. i was trying to look at images from the net and copy them. i'm not that talented. & the video that came with my stability ball isn't really the best. grainy and short and moves way to fast. it reminded me of a bad '70's porn.

so, i went out and got "stability ball workout for dummies" with liz gillies. i've completed the workout twice now and i can REALLY feel it in my body. i'm exercising muscles i forgot i had. it's a 45 mintue workout but it really doesn't feel like it because you're doing 15 different exercises, plus warm up and cool down.

& just to let everyone know, I ACTUALLY SWEATED while doing this workout and it got my heart rate going. i can't recall the last time i actually sweated while working out. she's clear, she goes slow, she reminds you to breathe, they have variations for exercises (either easier or harder). i think it's a great place to start if you have a stability ball and don't quite know what to do with it. & best of all it earned me 3 activity points!

my days are spent in battle with the common, lowly, household scale.

we wage war me and that scale. it lures me into traps where i am forced to weigh myself over and over and over again in the course of a day. only to find that my weight has fluctuated by 5 pounds in one day. sometimes i win and a temporary ceasefire is put in place. the weighing stops temporarily until that scale catches my eye and the dial pulls me towards it, thus ending the ceasefire. the battle begins again.

why do i feel this incessant urge to weigh myself? intellectually i know that weight loss is a slow, slow, agonizingly slow process and i'm not going to see results using the common household scale. but i need that validation for some silly reason.

i've even thought of not having a scale in the house, but that idea sends shivers through my body. it even makes me slightly nauseaus. i am a scale addict.

i want to stand on it right now and see if it's more or less than 259 pounds and then either celebrate and eat a bag of chips or cry and have a glass of water. ack.

i have made a resolve to only weigh myself once a week. i'm thinking it should be a sunday because that was the day that i weighed myself for the blog.

i will only weigh myself once a week.

i promise.

that's right we're re-evaluating already. last night as i was trying to fall asleep and forget the McDonalds mishap i was trying to remember my goals and they were just a-spinning around in my head. exercise how much? use the stability ball when? eat what? drink what? is there another one i'm forgetting? ack.

it makes me think of an elementary school i worked at. this school had three rules. Be Safe. Listen to the Adult. Be Prepared. Nice and easy to remember and those rules applied to everything. i need something like that. i believe i can adhere to the KISS method (keep it simple, stupid). for now Something like..

• i will lose 10 pounds by April 16
• i will join/follow weight watchers by February 16 (i'm still flip-flopping between actually joining or just following the program at home...torn...absolutely torn i am)
• i will exercise every day

maybe this is better? i can remember this: lose weight, follow ww, exercise. it can be my new mantra. lose weight, follow ww, exercise. lose weight, follow ww, exercise.

let's try this again...

this evening i fell victim. i went to safeway and got healthy foods for lunch tomorrow and the day after but then succumbed to McDonalds for supper. i'm not going to say it was S's fault, cause it wasn't, it was my idea. it was sooooo delicious. I try to rationalize this meal by saying (a) it was dirt cheap b/c we had wonderful coupons and (b) i didn't get it supersized.

i've been brainwashed.

what do i want to achieve?

that's the big question, isn't it? what do i want to achieve?

do i make one BIG goal or lots of SMALL goals? do i make some now and re-evaluate in 3 months? i don't want to rush things and say in six months i will lose 100 pounds and wear a size 2, because i know that won't happen. i won't see it happen fast enough and i'll lose interest and i'll get depressed and i'll eat more and i'll gain more weight. blech. not going there again.

see, i have this problem. i've never lost weight before--only gained. there i said it. i've always tried and failed before i've even lost any weight. i'll go hard for 2 or 3 days, a week at the most and then i'll go out and binge and binge and binge and gain and gain and gain. the only time in my life i have ever lost weight was after i gave birth to the babe. i lost 30 pounds in less than a week (he was one BIG baby), now he's seven months old and i've gained 20 pounds of it back.

this is the heaviest i have ever been (minus the pregnancy). it's absolutely disgusting. i have 3 pants that i can fit (one i seriously have to squeeze into, the second one is mat pants, and the last one is about 3 sizes to big for me). barely any of my tops fit anymore, i'm down to about 7 tops (sweaters included) that i can wear. something needs to be done.

so, what do i want to achieve?

after that long preamble i had better say some substantial stuff, right? here goes...

Immediately...

• i will track my food on www.fitday.com
• i will drink my water everyday
• i will eat 3 times a day

In 3 months (by april 18th)...

• i will have joined weight watchers
• i will exercise 3 times a week for half an hour each time
• i will use my stability ball at home 3 times a week for 10 minutes each time
• i will have lost 5 inches (doesn't matter what body part loses)
• i will have lost 10 pounds.

and most importantly...

• i will review these goals weekly to ensure that i am following them and revise if necessary.

there, i did it. i wrote down what i will achieve for 3 months. is it too much? is it too little? are these realistic? unrealistic? i don't want to set myself up for failure, but i also don't want to not challenge myself. i do know i don't want count calories, that is not for me.

p.s. i've put my weight and weight goals in the sidebar. i'm trying to decide if i should put more of them...hmmm...

i got S to take my measurements today. he did not tell me any happy numbers.

i'm going to be brave and put my measurements here for the world to see.

waist--50 inches (ouch)
thighs--26 inches (yikes)
arms--15 inches (youzers)
hips--51.5 inches (oh my god you're killing me)
bust--47.5 inches (ayekarumba)

i've been thinking about what kind of diet/lifestyle i want to follow in order to live a healthy life and lose weight. i've been leaning heavily towards weight watchers. there's two things that i am leery about though:

1. Counting Points--I know that the weight watchers website keeps intimating that they have this new program where you don't have to count points. there's the fabolous new core plan where you can eat all you want from a list of foods. see i just know that dill pickle chips and nachos just aren't going to be on that list. from what i can tell you still have to count points for what you eat outside of that list of free foods.
2. The Cost--Right now we are on a very (and i mean very) tight budget. i just don't know if we have the money to put out for this right now. When S gets a steady-full-time job it will be no problem but until then?? there's just no money for it.

see, i've tried weight watchers before, but always on my own and i've always failed. that's why i have this gut feeling that i need the human contact to work this program. ww from home--not for me. ww online--not for me. traditional ww--maybe for me?

i know i'm not an atkins girl or a somersizing girl (as much as they make sense) because i can't give up my chips and pop and nachos completely. i just can't. i figure i can regulate them and limit them, but i can't give them up altogether. that's just crazy talk.

next up...GOALS...what do i want to accomplish? why do i want to accomplish this? how will i accomplish this? when will i accomplish this? i'm thinking about this...

p.s. i told my mom that i was going to join ww once S had a full time job and her only response was 'ok'. now how motivating is that? gee, thanks mom.

Today is day 2. not much to report yet.

i weighed myself yesterday.

i was estimating myself to be 250 pounds.

WRONG.

i was 259 pounds. ugh.



today i'm trying to decide what weight loss program is best for me.
Weight Watchers?
Sugarbusters?
Atkins?
Somersizing?

Which One? one of those? another one? it's a tough decision. do it on my own or with a group? can i do atkins? can i give up my bread and my potatoes and my pop? or is weight watchers a better option for me? where i can have all that i just have to watch my point intake?

That's it. Today is Day ONE.

I am doing this as of today.

No more waiting, no more procrastinating, nor more putting it off.

I WILL DO THIS

As of today i am taking the weight off.

I know it will be a slow journey. i know it will take time. i know all this.

i also know that i am the heaviest i have ever been and i don't like it. i want to be that thin person.