I made the blog private b/c it started to feel like I was worrying too much about what others were reading and what i could post and what I should leave out. Now there's no worrying about that. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

I went to the gym. I walked 2 miles on the treadmill. It took about 50 minutes to do that? I ran a bit, walked slow, walked faster, walked slow, ran a bit. I didn't break out into huge sweat, but it's hard to do when it's so hard to breathe sometimes.

We've been watching the Biggest Loser Australia (Season 2) and the show both fascinates and repulses me. The thought of these people being sad that they've lost 4 kilos or 5 kilos in a week really makes me sad (that's like 12 or 13 pounds). While I sit there thinking....'wow! if I could just lose 1 kilos or half a kilo in one week I'd be over the moon. & then I'm repulsed when I think how much is ever going to be enough. The trainers were talking about a contestant who only lost (only lost --fuck) 4.4 kilos saying she hadn't got it yet...well yes, I think she's fucking got it. she's fucking got it Good.

This mornings weight was 272.8.

We're going to the States for the weekend of November 10. I'm excited. We've booked a room and are going to do our christmas shopping and this trip is going to be our christmas gifts to each other.

Here I am, Saturday night, alone, typing on the comptuer, feeling shitty about myself, and feeling, gross, fat and ugly. Again. As usual. I realize that I'm not doing anything good for myself. That I'm just continually gaining weight and I'm just continually buying bigger clothes. My wardrobe is shrinking dramatically b/c of all the clothes that I don't fit anymore, and my new clothes just aren't cutting it.

My stomach is large and gross and is hanging over me now, causing discomfort and grossness. I really have to be careful what kind of underwear I wear, b/c if it's too high up then my stomach rubs against my pelvis and it's horribly gross. Even sitting here right now I can feel it resting against my skin. I'm not fatter then when I was 9 months pregnant with Andrew. I remember how hard it was to do things when I was 9 months pregnant and how everyone told me how large I was. I'm right back there now. Bending down, bending forward, walking up the stairs, being active, having sex, carrying things, cleaning...everything is just so hard.

I feel so unattractive. I feel hideous and ugly. I am hideous and ugly. Who would want to have sex with someone whose stomach is flopping around everywhere and hanging down? I know he only wants to have sex with me b/c he wants to have sex. He doesn't get that I don't feel good about myself and I don't want to be naked with him and I don't want him to see my body like this. I don't want him to see me like this. :(

I really need to take the weight off. I really need to stop making excuses.

Scratch that. I need to take the weight off. I need to stop making excuses.

I'm making this blog private now.

Ok, so I fell off more then the blogwagon. I fell of every wagon known to man.

I've been weighing myself every morning and I fluctuate between 268 and 273. This has been since July. Is it good that I've been maintining?

Some things I'd like to say b/c they seem to work better when I write them down:

1. I have all of next week off and I will go to the gym everyday.

2. I will eat vegetables and fruit at lunch.

3. I will go to Group Active on Sunday @ 12:30 (right after church)

That's it. That's all.