I made the blog private b/c it started to feel like I was worrying too much about what others were reading and what i could post and what I should leave out. Now there's no worrying about that. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

I went to the gym. I walked 2 miles on the treadmill. It took about 50 minutes to do that? I ran a bit, walked slow, walked faster, walked slow, ran a bit. I didn't break out into huge sweat, but it's hard to do when it's so hard to breathe sometimes.

We've been watching the Biggest Loser Australia (Season 2) and the show both fascinates and repulses me. The thought of these people being sad that they've lost 4 kilos or 5 kilos in a week really makes me sad (that's like 12 or 13 pounds). While I sit there thinking....'wow! if I could just lose 1 kilos or half a kilo in one week I'd be over the moon. & then I'm repulsed when I think how much is ever going to be enough. The trainers were talking about a contestant who only lost (only lost --fuck) 4.4 kilos saying she hadn't got it yet...well yes, I think she's fucking got it. she's fucking got it Good.

This mornings weight was 272.8.

We're going to the States for the weekend of November 10. I'm excited. We've booked a room and are going to do our christmas shopping and this trip is going to be our christmas gifts to each other.

Tomorrow Night at 7:30 PM I am going to go to the Group Kick class at my gym.

I'm paying enough money for this membership, I'm going to do more then go on the treadmill and elliptical.

I've put this on in words on my Blog and now I must follow through with it.

& I say rule loosely.

I'm currently downloading The Biggest Loser Australia (BLA). It's taken weeks to download and it's about 50 half hour episodes. With all this waiting I'm uber excited to watch the friggin' show. I've decided that while I watch BLA I have to be exercising. Even if it's just walking in place or doing side steps. Dammit, this show is about weight loss and getting active and moving around. It's not about sitting at home and becoming a coach potato, so I'm not going to be a coach potatoe while it's on.

I feel like I should also mention why I'm probably not going to make my gym goal this month. I was sick for a while, we went out of town, once the gym was closed when I wanted to go, and a couple days I was just plain lazy. I am going to make my goal of 12 workouts, but they just won't necessarily be at the gym is all. No worries. I'm not track with the exercise.

Just for you I went to the Gym today.

I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home and do nothing and be lazy. But I got up and went. Once I got there it wasn't so bad, I actually might have enjoyed it.

I was doing some calculating this morning in regards to my Gym Pass. I want the most bang for my buck y'know. This Gym Pass is costing a lot (540 bucks for the year) and I want to get my money's worth!

I've gone to the gym 12 times thus far. Those 12 visits have cost 45 dollars a visit! Those are some expensive visits. Hah.

If I go 3 times a week for the 12 months (144 visits) it would be $3.75 a visit. That's not so bad.

If I go 4 times a week for the 12 months (192 visits) it would be $2.99 a visit. Getting better.

If I just up my visits to 200 then that then becomes $2.70 a visit. Not too shabby at all.

210 visits = $2.57 a visit.
220 visits = $2.45 a visit.

The frugal person in me is always wanting to come out....

Today is the last day of March and I am indeed thinking about April goals. Tomorrow me and my friend are weighing in and starting the CWLE again. I'm also thinking about what we can do differently this time to make us (okay, me) succeed more.

I'll post tomorrow. :)

Thought I'd change up the template a bit...

What do you guys think? Do you like or is it too drabby?

Anyways...

I went to the gym last night. I'm going to go tonight and that will fulfill my 12 visits to the Gym in March ticker (which I ditched b/c it didn't match the new template).

I did some weight lifting last night and I just can't get into the groove with the weights. I feel silly and out of place...I'm trying to read as much as I can so I feel knowledgeable and powerful.

It's time. I can't hide behind anything anymore.

I'm not losing weight. I'm the highest I've been(not counting pregnancy weight)in my life. But hell, with Andrew the highest I was weighed at was 272 pounds. I was 262.2 last week, that's not that fucking far off. I remember being pregnant and being this weight and feeling so fat and so unable to...just do...anything. I felt so big and never wanted to feel that way again...and yet here I am. I look about 6 months pregnant.

Fuck.

I'm maid of honor in a wedding this September. We went and tried on dresses yesterday and I looked ugly. That's it. Just fat and ugly. I don't know how I'm going to wear a dress all night long and have people look at me. I don't even know why I'm going to spend 200 bucks on a dress that's a size 24.

Fuck.

When I put my clothes on they don't seem to fit anymore. My wardrobe is rapidly diminishing. When I wear socks they are leaving lines b/c they're too small. I only want to wear turtleneck sweaters b/c I don't want people seeing my double chin.

Fuck.

I suppose I should list some of the good things I have been doing so that this post ends on a positive note and I don't end up simply sounding like a pathetic loser.

Carrie's List of Good Things

1. I joined a gym. I have gone 10 times since I joined. See my ticker up there?

2. I've got a ticker. I've got goals. I'm working towards reaching them.

3. I did lose weight at the last weigh in.

4. Starting April 2 I will be walking to and from work. That is a half hour walk each way. When it is nicer and all the snow has melted I might even ride my bicycle.

5. I am becoming accountable. I'm joining the new TB weight loss challenge.

These last few posts are going to be my plan for tomorrow at the gym.

I'm also including:

- Calf raises on step
- Crunches on the ball
- Crunches to the side on the ball
- Lower leg Lift

Weight training is scary for me at the gym. I know what I'm supposed to do (an ex showed me years ago) but I get there and all I see is a sea of machines and I just don't know what to do. Hopefully this little guide will help.

i've joined a gym. i feel pretty good about it. i've gone 3 times now. it's nice. i like the elliptical and the treadmill so far. they have classes and i'm thinking of going to one once a week. they have a weight lifting class that I think I would like to check out.

Well folks, I'm back on the wagon...sort of. It's sad that I feel like I can only post in my blog when I'm on the weightloss bandwagon. If I don't post about it, it can't be happening right?

Well, in a nutshell this is what has happened in the last few weeks:

--My school flooded. It was very stressful and we've been moved to a temporary location, right by my house.
--good you think, right? wrong. daycare is on other side of city by my school therefore doubling my driving time. I drive 25 minutes to daycare, to drive practically right back to where I live...twice a day...
--I gained weight.
--The staff banded together in the stressful situation and ate....a lot.
--I gained weight
--I got tired from all the stress and driving and went to bed like every other night at 8 PM.
--I gained weight.
--I realized I feel like shit and I look shit so I thought about joining a gym for 2 weeks.
--After thinking in depthly about joining a gym I took the plunge and went and joined a gym that is like 3 blocks from house.


I weighed in today and I was 258.4. For a while I was above 260...

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. The Secret is the power of positve thinking right? :P