How does someone experience God? How does it happen? When does it happen? How will you notice? How will you know?

When you are little it is so easy. God is up in heaven, up in the sky with the angels. Underneath our feet is hell with the devil. When you die your soul (whatever that is, you don't get it, but you know that is the word to use) either goes up or down. That's it. Up or Down. Good people go up (so say your prayers & go to church & be good) and Bad people go down (so no lies, no stealing, & don't miss church). Easy peasy.

& if only it could stay that way.

But too soon you grow up. Toys are put away, days playing outside are long forgotten, cartoons lose their appeal, and expectations are everywhere. Church is no longer songs and games and crafts and happily running around and dancing in the aisles.

Too soon you grow up. You learn the sky turns into space and stars and planets. The ground is only a series of layers. Crust, core, and magma. It is infinitesimally harder to distinguish who is a Good Person and who is a Bad Person? Who decides what is Good and what is Bad? Fingers, toes, and eyes become actions, exploits, and deeds.


Life & Faith & God become a series of Leaps. They have to. Is a leaf always a leaf or is it more? Is it the wonderment of a miracle realized? Or is it cells brought together and photosynthesis and a carbon based vegetation? Is it both--it is all the realization of the Divine's Actions on the 3rd day? Is that a cop-out? The birth of a child is a leap as well. How can cells come together to make a real live breathing growing learning beautiful baby? The prophet Jeremiah is told by God "before I formed you in the womb I knew you." Another leap. Being known before conception, how is that possible? Leap upon Leap.

I could list dozens and dozens of ways that we experience God and see God and know God, but in essence, they are all leaps.

crisp paper. blue pens. ice skates in winter. babies laughing. sun shining. carefully made beds. lemon fresh. a good laugh. prayers offered. warm baths. runs by the river. gooey grilled cheese sandwiches. snuggles in bed. hymns of praise.

But you can see that it's easiest to only see God in the Good, warm, happy ways. Easy leaps. Ways we went to see the Divine.

Our list would never as follows:

knives brandished. money stolen. children forgotten. storm clouds. food bank line-ups. jobs cut. tears cried. backs turned. ashes where trees once stood. shouting matches. occupied hospital beds. soldiers killed. soldiers killing. child soldiers. cheques bounces. shoes with holes.

Where is the holy in those instances?

It's hard work experiencing God when it's not all rainbows and lollipops. Does God come after? Is God in the hands that help a woman after she is raped? Is God in the gifts from strangers when a house is destroyed by fire? Is God in the kinds words spoken when a father dies? Is God in the medicine given to stop illness? Is God in apologies? Reparations? Restorative Justice?

Is God only a leap of faith in a recovery program?

Christ was not born at Christmastime
invoked by practised choirs,
embraced by plastic mangers
and fulfilling our desires.
No kindergarten was his home,
no drummer boy his page,
no earth had frozen snow on snow
when God had come of age.

Instead on the periphery,
eccentric through decree,
the power behind the universe
was born a refugee;
a refugee from heaven above
became the world's creator,
and chose an unknown peasant girl
as host and liberator.

-Final verses of "The Antichristmas Carol" by John Bell

Today, I've been thinking about regrets. Do I have any? What would I take back if I oould? What would I choose to do again?

Would I still take Religious Studies in University? Would I still have sold my first house to move to an apartment? Would I still take the job with the Govt? Would I still have stopped playing Ringette when I was 14? Would I still have gone out with my first serious boyfriend?

What is regret? Is it hindsight? Or is it more? Is it a feeling of loss of taking the wrong road? If I chose differently on just one of the above parts of my life how much more would have changed? What would I have changed though--what would I alter? If I hadn't taken Religious Studies what would I have taken? English or Education or Anthropology? Would I still have discovered or felt my call to ministry? Would my call have been to a different vocation like teaching?

Do I regret things that are happening right now? Do I regret sending our son to Nursery? Do I regret planning this trip to Calgary instead of putting money on our debt? Do I regret gaining all this weight? *Sigh* It's like playing the 'what if' game, except I do it all the time. Over and over and over and over again in my head.

Do others do this too? Or am I alone in the pseudo regrets?

and i'm panicking already. i won't lose enough weight. i've gotta stop. i've gotta eat differently.

i weighed myself this morning and i was 275 pounds. bizarre, huh?

i've got to make a menu of some kind. i've got to make some decisions.

i figured out today that i'm eligible for 33 points on WW. but, i'm thinking like maybe i'd start with 40 points. that's still like only 2000 calories (maybe 2500?) It's still way less then I eat now (I mean now I gotta be at like 3000-4000 calories a day, i just don't want to think about it). It's still on the road for healthier living? it would just allow me more breathing room to um have some slip ups, y'know?

It's time. I can't hide behind anything anymore.

I'm not losing weight. I'm the highest I've been(not counting pregnancy weight)in my life. But hell, with Andrew the highest I was weighed at was 272 pounds. I was 262.2 last week, that's not that fucking far off. I remember being pregnant and being this weight and feeling so fat and so unable to...just do...anything. I felt so big and never wanted to feel that way again...and yet here I am. I look about 6 months pregnant.

Fuck.

I'm maid of honor in a wedding this September. We went and tried on dresses yesterday and I looked ugly. That's it. Just fat and ugly. I don't know how I'm going to wear a dress all night long and have people look at me. I don't even know why I'm going to spend 200 bucks on a dress that's a size 24.

Fuck.

When I put my clothes on they don't seem to fit anymore. My wardrobe is rapidly diminishing. When I wear socks they are leaving lines b/c they're too small. I only want to wear turtleneck sweaters b/c I don't want people seeing my double chin.

Fuck.

I suppose I should list some of the good things I have been doing so that this post ends on a positive note and I don't end up simply sounding like a pathetic loser.

Carrie's List of Good Things

1. I joined a gym. I have gone 10 times since I joined. See my ticker up there?

2. I've got a ticker. I've got goals. I'm working towards reaching them.

3. I did lose weight at the last weigh in.

4. Starting April 2 I will be walking to and from work. That is a half hour walk each way. When it is nicer and all the snow has melted I might even ride my bicycle.

5. I am becoming accountable. I'm joining the new TB weight loss challenge.

the CWLE (see this post http://thatnamesalreadytaken.blogspot.com/2007/01/weight-loss-challenge.html) ended today.

Needless to say I did not win. My final weight? 262.2. 2.2 pounds UP from what I started at. Fuck, I suck. My friend now has 100 bucks that she is off to buy clothes with. She lost 11 pounds and I'm super proud of her, i just wish that I could be equally as proud of me.

We're doing it again. Heck, I figure if it keeps her losing weight then it's all good, right? And, I might lose some weight too, right?

I'm still feeling sick, but I'm dealing with it. I went to the gym last night. I did most of the exercises I posted, but truthfully i didn't do any crunches or walking lunges, b/c I'm scared to draw attention to myself. It's easier to blend into a machine, y'know?

I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say and so little time to say it. All day long I think of half posts and things to say and then when I get home and have a minute to myself I have nothing to post about.

I'm more then weight and food and exercise and dieting. Really I am. I'm also more then a Mommy and a Wife. Really--I am.

Trouble is, I'm just having a tough time remembering what I really am these days.

The times they are a changin'--that's for sure.

1. I've applied for 2 jobs within the school division. They are higher classifications. I know what you're thinking--didn't she just start working at a new school? And indeed, the answer is yes. I started at a new school in November. I enjoy working where I am (my co-workers are sane, I'm good at what I do and I enjoy the kids, even though I might complain about them) and I'm not anxious to leave. I'm simply thinking about the bigger picture. I want to make more money and I want to have more responsiblity. Being in charge of student records and making 16.50 an hour (capping out at 17.85) just isn't cutting it anymore. I want more and I want it now! Hah. Plus the Division is going through a big time of change right now with all the baby boomers retiring. There is so much movement going on now would be a good time to move on up.

2. Steve has also applied for a new job. He's not enjoying where he's at right now and is looking to expand. But the problem is he's so vague about everything it's really bothering me. I find a warehouse job, he says he doesn't want to work in a warehouse, he wants to find an office job. So I find an office job...and you see where this going... Gah. He has a job interview tomorrow (the one job he applied for called him back--he is so lucky it hurts. I've got my fingers crossed. If not there are several other jobs that look promising.

3. We are looking to change the baby's daycare and I'm torn. Seriously torn. His present DCP, while satisfactory, has not been living up to my high standards. There was a large miscommunication between the two of us and while I accept responsibility I'm still upset by the situation. Essentially, I thought she was feeding him breakfast and she thought I was feeding him breakfast and in reality no one was feeding him breakfast. I feel so awful. There are other things that have started to bug me. Since the schools flood and our relocation she is very far away. I'm driving a total of 2 hours everyday. It's not fun. Not at all. Number one being that she isn't licensed. I knew that going in, but now it's bothering me. In September she is expecting 9 children. 9 CHILDREN!! 9!! All under the age of 3. That's not counting her one granddaughter who will be 4 and only there half time. Fuck. Andrew can't go there. How will she watch them all? What if something happens? What is she thnking? Anyways...I hurried home today after I found this out and went online and found a licensed daycare wayyyy closer to us. There are pros and there are cons of course. For example, she has a rather large TV in her living room and Steve is worried that Andrew will break it somehow b/c he's obsessed with TVs. Steve thinks we might be liable to pay to have it fixed. I'm worried about leaving him with someone I don't know (I've known the present DCP for 10 years). We're trying to decide what to do. ie. Wait and hope for a better daycare or go with this one. It's also more expensive (like 5 dollars a day more expensive) and the rate doesn't go down when he turns 2 like it does at most licensed facilities. Who knew it was this hard and this worrisome to be a parent?

4. I'm struggling with my weight and my size (as usual). I was lifting some weights the other day in front of the wall of mirrors and had nothing to look at but my fat, gross, ugly self. It's seriously easy to not notice weight gain and body changes if you don't have any full length mirrors at your house and you are in serious denial about what you have been eating. How is it that I can convince myself that I have been eating 'wellish' and expect to lose weight the reality is that I've had chips, dip, Rally Burgers, frys, pizza, chocolate, more chips, more crap, and more crap. Why?

Anyways...I'm liking my ticker. I'm liking the gym (except for the wall of mirrors in the weight area). I'm liking my job. I'm liking my marriage. I'm liking that it's almost Spring Break.