It's time. I can't hide behind anything anymore.

I'm not losing weight. I'm the highest I've been(not counting pregnancy weight)in my life. But hell, with Andrew the highest I was weighed at was 272 pounds. I was 262.2 last week, that's not that fucking far off. I remember being pregnant and being this weight and feeling so fat and so unable to...just do...anything. I felt so big and never wanted to feel that way again...and yet here I am. I look about 6 months pregnant.

Fuck.

I'm maid of honor in a wedding this September. We went and tried on dresses yesterday and I looked ugly. That's it. Just fat and ugly. I don't know how I'm going to wear a dress all night long and have people look at me. I don't even know why I'm going to spend 200 bucks on a dress that's a size 24.

Fuck.

When I put my clothes on they don't seem to fit anymore. My wardrobe is rapidly diminishing. When I wear socks they are leaving lines b/c they're too small. I only want to wear turtleneck sweaters b/c I don't want people seeing my double chin.

Fuck.

I suppose I should list some of the good things I have been doing so that this post ends on a positive note and I don't end up simply sounding like a pathetic loser.

Carrie's List of Good Things

1. I joined a gym. I have gone 10 times since I joined. See my ticker up there?

2. I've got a ticker. I've got goals. I'm working towards reaching them.

3. I did lose weight at the last weigh in.

4. Starting April 2 I will be walking to and from work. That is a half hour walk each way. When it is nicer and all the snow has melted I might even ride my bicycle.

5. I am becoming accountable. I'm joining the new TB weight loss challenge.