Here I am, Saturday night, alone, typing on the comptuer, feeling shitty about myself, and feeling, gross, fat and ugly. Again. As usual. I realize that I'm not doing anything good for myself. That I'm just continually gaining weight and I'm just continually buying bigger clothes. My wardrobe is shrinking dramatically b/c of all the clothes that I don't fit anymore, and my new clothes just aren't cutting it.

My stomach is large and gross and is hanging over me now, causing discomfort and grossness. I really have to be careful what kind of underwear I wear, b/c if it's too high up then my stomach rubs against my pelvis and it's horribly gross. Even sitting here right now I can feel it resting against my skin. I'm not fatter then when I was 9 months pregnant with Andrew. I remember how hard it was to do things when I was 9 months pregnant and how everyone told me how large I was. I'm right back there now. Bending down, bending forward, walking up the stairs, being active, having sex, carrying things, cleaning...everything is just so hard.

I feel so unattractive. I feel hideous and ugly. I am hideous and ugly. Who would want to have sex with someone whose stomach is flopping around everywhere and hanging down? I know he only wants to have sex with me b/c he wants to have sex. He doesn't get that I don't feel good about myself and I don't want to be naked with him and I don't want him to see my body like this. I don't want him to see me like this. :(

I really need to take the weight off. I really need to stop making excuses.

Scratch that. I need to take the weight off. I need to stop making excuses.

I'm making this blog private now.