Ever since I’ve been a little kid when I’ve been at church I’ve always pictured myself at the front leading worship. Always. Even when I was 6 and had no idea what was going on. As I aged I tried to ignore this fantasy more and more. After all, what kind of a fantasy was it? As a child at church weren’t you supposed to daydream about flying off in a rocket ship or dream about a day at the beach; not picturing yourself preaching or leading prayer or wearing a stole.

It was a funny contrast because I also spent a good portion of my childhood church experience sitting in a pew with my mother trying to convince myself that I was an Atheist. How could all this be true? How could God exist? How could it all make sense? How? In the end the only plausible answer could be that God did not exist. There was not Holy Spirit. Christ was not resurrected. The church was a sham. It was a lot to think about as a youngster.

On the one hand the Holy was dramatically calling and on the other hand the secular had this pull on me. I played both sides of the field. Reverently faith filled one week and an unabashed nonbeliever the next.

This continued through my life. Even as a youth I had this self propelled urge to be confirmed. I initiated it. & yet, I still could not really imagine a world where God existed. My creative writing at the time certainly reflected that. All doom and gloom and shame on the world. The same happened in University. My Religious Studies classes did nothing but serve to show all the inconsistencies in the Bible and the errors in everything faith related. But, it was still there, this…thing somewhere in the back of my mind. I finished my BA and still wanted to know more. I did enrol in the MDiv program, but I wasn’t ready, I guess. I could not conceive that one could study theology with such care and passion and such BELIEF and such certainty.

The big question I realize now that I should have addressed when I was younger was this, “why did I have to CONVINCE myself that I was a Christian?” Why couldn’t I just believe?

Why do I still, on some days, feel the need to be convinced? Perhaps the answer another day. :P