Last night I resigned from the Children's Ministry Coordinator Position at my church. It wasn't going well as there was a big disconnect between what I believe and what I was comfortable teaching/sharing with the kids and what the Churches expectations were for Children's Church. I think I always knew deep down it wasn't working out and that I felt that I was changing who I was and that I still wasn't meeting their expectations, but I was trying to ignore it.

I don't want to dwell on this subject for very long because I don't think it is really all that interesting to my devoted readers, but I do want to reflect on the subject for a few paragraphs.

While I have a degree in Religious Studies and have been feeling some kind of call to Ministry I still continue to struggle every day with my strange brand of faith and I struggle with attempting to reconcile it all into a formalized religion. In the end I was hesitant to take the job exactly because of this reason but they seemed quite eager to have me and they never really talked specifics about theology and style and the like. I had a co-coordinator and together we seemed to be muddling along okay considering how we had no one to report to and the minister never seemed all that interested in what we were doing downstairs.

My view of Children's Church was to keep it very simple. A short prayer or short scripture reading, a craft, a short closing, and perhaps a game if there was time. And I guess that was where it all fell apart. We were called to a meeting on short notice with the M&P team (Ministry & Personnel--the committee that manages church employees in the United Church) wherein we were told we were not structured enough, that we weren't providing a school-like setting, we were letting them play games, we weren't teaching them music, we weren't making effective use of our time, we weren't doing x and y and z and on and on and on....It was awful. I felt awful and upset and angry and sad and mad and confused and hurt all at the same time. What hurt me most is that many things that were given as examples of what not to do were almost DIRECT quotes of things I have said to that I do and have done in the past

My co-hort and the minister exchanged some emails the next day and I sent an email talking about how I struggling with everything that is going on in my life (working full time, part time, being a Chair for a Non-Profit Organization, tyring to start my own business, being a wife and a mother) and that I wasn't really dealing well with all the stress and that my OCD/anxiety has flared up again (which it has...and I have been hesitant to talk about it because I don't want to make it worse or even acknowledge that I am having issues again), and that I was hurt and angry and upset and that I wasn't sure if I was going to continue but that I would make a decision by Saturday. I got a very nice reply from my co-hort and NOTHING from my minister. This has really hurt me. I feel like I bared a bit of my soul in that email and brought up some very difficut topics...and nothing.

I sent my resignation letter late last night. My co-hort was the only one that checked their email and received it and she filled the Chair of M&P and I'm assuming the minister too. No one made any attempt to talk to me about it (which is fine, I guess?) and now no one has sent me any emails or attempted to contact me by phone. While I'm feeling quite realived about resigning, I'm feeling quite....I don't know....like....'helped out the door'....like they almost wanted me to quit?

This week I am really feeling like the fat kid in the corner that no one likes.

I think after I serve my notice at this church I am going to go hang out with the Unitarians for a few weeks.