This morning I am thinking about the word Faith. One of the exercises in a book I'm reading is to think about "what words or images, whether positive or challenging, do you associate with the word Faith? Explore the feelings that they evoke and some of the experiences attached to them"

When I see the word Faith I think of someone that is unwavering in their Faith. They always know what the believe and what they believe in. They are able to answer questions about their faith and they are able to suffer scrutiny from others about their faith. Because of their faith they are able to always do the right thing and say the right thing.

Is Faith a positive term for me? It is my mother's name. I do think of faith and see my mother in my head and I hear her voice and I can feel her hugs and I can smell her perfume. Faith is MATERNAL for me. Faith is about mothers and love and support and encouragement and home. It's true, faith = home for me.

& while faith can equal home for me, it is not necessarily fact that I feel that I have faith. I feel at home in a house of faith (both ways!), but I often feel that I lack faith. I don't have the answers, I don't know the questions, I can't elucidate what I do feel/think, I am hesitant to share, I am slow to act, and I never evangelize.

My study book asks if my understanding of faith has changed over the years...and I am not sure how to answer this question. My immediate reaction is of course it has changed. In all aspects of my life I have changed. I grew up, I learned more, I went to University, I studied Religious Studies, I have read many books, I have listened to many Preachers, I partied and experienced life, I got married, I had a child, and on and on. I have changed so much in my 31 years. But has God and my understanding of God? Has it changed? I still question the same things I did as a young child, "Why can't we see God?", "Where is God", "Why is there bad/evil/disaster/suffering in the world?", "Why do we go to church/study the bible?". I may have added some more now as an adult and I may use bigger words, but really it is all still the same question..."Does God exist?", "& What does God want from me/us?" So, has it really changed? I'm not sure. Has it changed because my small little seed of faith is still there and while some days it grows, some days it shrinks back to a seed, like the seed of faith of a child? Is this change or simply inflation/deflation? I'm still not sure. But--I keep trying. I don't give up. I am still looking for answers and I am still looking for questions. I am still challenging myself.

I am still journeying.

Peace,
~dinah

PS. I see that this was mostly Faith, more to come later about Spirituality (if I don't run out of time).

It's hard to jump back in. It's hard to gather my thoughts together. It's hard to make sense of it all. It's hard to know what to write next.

I've avoided my blog and avoided writing this post for over a week now. I miss my blog and I miss writing posts for it, but I know how unfair it would be to not write this post about my dad.

On Friday, February 19 my Father passed away of cardiac arrest at his house at the age of 57. It was very sudden and everyone is devastated. My mother, my grandmother, Andrew, Steve, and my mothers siblings were all in shock for many days.

Andrew especially misses his grandfather. He was there when Grandpa had the heart attack and Grandma had to phone 911. He was there when the first responders arrived and worked on him. He was there at the hospital when the doctors told us that he passed away. He was there when we said good bye at the hospital and saw the body. He was there at the funeral with us all, celebrating Grandpa's life. He has asked many, many, many, many questions and wonders often who will make pancakes now and why doesn't God bring Grandpa back to life. I can imagine how confusing it all is to Andrew, but it's so hard for me hearing him ask question after question about Grandpa. Every morning he asks me if I'm still sad. It's heartbreaking.

I miss my Dad so much. He was a quirky odd man, but he was my father and I loved him so much. I'm going to miss his funny sayings (including "stop looking at me in that tone of voice"), his cooking (he made the best lasagna ever), his mustache and beard, and the fact that if I ever needed help my Daddy would be there.

In the midst of all the ugliness and sadness of this week I had my first meeting with my discernment committee in regards to discerning my call to ministry. You can read about my call to ministry here and here.

I can't believe how painstakingly slow this has been so far. I am certainly exercising my gift of patience during this process.

The first meeting was more just getting to know the other members of the committee. Two are from presbytery and I had never met them before and they had no clue who I was. The contents of the meetings are confidential, of course as each person on the committee shares information about their faith journey, beliefs, and personal life.

I did learn that in the past this process was called 'Testing the Faith" and I can see how it used to be called that. I was on the hot seat for the whole 2 hours! & I'm going to be on the hot seat for the next 5 sessions (which is the minimum number of sessions...it could be more). The handbook we are following has many tough and personal questions in it that I will have to address.

We've scheduled our next meeting and I have some homework and quite a bit of reading to get through for our next meeting which is the first week of April. I've ordered the books and 1 is supposed to be here tomorrow. I'm so excited!

i don't even know how to write this.

yesterday our dog bit andrew on the face. it was unprovoked and thankfully Husband was right there. luckily, andrew didn't need stitches but he has long marks on his face and puncture wounds on his cheek and ear. he was hysterical for hours.

this was not the first incident. we've had growling and lunging and one previous superficial bite. since getting the dog 6 months ago we've been to obedience school, the vet, met with a trainer, changed her food. we've worked so hard, but we can't put our child in that kind of danger. Husband took the dog back to the humane society yesterday.

i'm a mess today. an absolute mess.

I'm a Public Servant so I had to work today, even though it's a Provincial Holiday in Manitoba. It was a nice, sunny, warm (for Winnipeg in February) day and it was tough being there when I wanted to be at home. We went to the nice park right after I got home. Here are some snaps!

I want to wish everyone a very happy and peaceful and wonderful Valentine's Day.

This poem was read by Shane at the Opening Ceremonies for the 2010 Winter Olympics. I quite like it. This is the 'full' version.

"We Are More" by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada
you might list some statistics
you might mention our tallest building
or biggest lake
you might shake a tree in the fall
and call a red leaf Canada
you might rattle off some celebrities
might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
might even mention the fact that we’ve got a few
Barenaked Ladies
or that we made these crazy things
like zippers
electric cars
and washing machines
when defining Canada
it seems the world's anthem has been
“ been there done that”
and maybe that’s where we used to be at
it’s true
we’ve done and we’ve been
we’ve seen
all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
and turned into theme parks
but when defining Canada
don’t forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories
about the one that got away
we do more than sit around and say “eh?”
and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
who inspired little number nines
and little number ninety-nines
but we’re more than just hockey and fishing lines
off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
and some say what defines us
is something as simple as please and thank you
and as for you’re welcome
well we say that too
but we are more
than genteel or civilized
we are an idea in the process
of being realized
we are young
we are cultures strung together
then woven into a tapestry
and the design
is what makes us more
than the sum total of our history
we are an experiment going right for a change
with influences that range from a to zed
and yes we say zed instead of zee
we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy
we dream so big that there are those
who would call our ambition an industry
because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow
we do more than grow wheat and brew beer
we are vineyards of good year after good year
we reforest what we clear
because we believe in generations beyond our own
knowing now that so many of us
have grown past what used to be
we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have
when they say things like “someday”

someday we’ll be great
someday we’ll be this
or that
someday we’ll be at a point
when someday was yesterday
and all of our aspirations will pay the way
for those who on that day
look towards tomorrow
and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set
and we will get interest on our inspiration
because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks
more than backpacks and hiking trails
we are hammers and nails building bridges
towards those who are willing to walk across
we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss
we are not the see-through gloss or glamour
of those who clamour for the failings of others
we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers
uncles and nephews aunts and nieces
we are cousins
we are found missing puzzle pieces
we are families with room at the table for newcomers
we are more than summers and winters
more than on and off seasons
we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay
because we are more than what we say or do
we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are
we are students
students who study the studiousness of studying
so we know what as well as why
we don’t have all the answers
but we try
and the effort is what makes us more
we don’t all know what it is in life we’re looking for
so keep exploring
go far and wide
or go inside but go deep
go deep
as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss
and suddenly there was this location scout
trying to figure some way out
to get inside you
because you’ve been through hell and high water
and you went deep
keep exploring
because we are more
than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
we are more than hills to ski
or countryside ponds to skate
we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can’t wait
we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes
a country that is all the ways you choose to live
a land that can give you variety
because we are choices
we are millions upon millions of voices shouting
“ keep exploring... we are more”
we are the surprise the world has in store for you
it’s true

Canada is the “what” in “what’s new?”
so don’t say “been there done that”
unless you’ve sat on the sidewalk
while chalk artists draw still lifes
on the concrete of a kid in the street
beatboxing to Neil Young for fun
don’t say you’ve been there done that
unless you’ve been here doing it
let this country be your first-aid kit
for all the times you get sick of the same old same old
let us be the story told to your friends
and when that story ends
leave chapters for the next time you’ll come back
next time pack for all the things
you didn’t pack for the first time
but don’t let your luggage define your travels
each life unravels differently
and experiences are what make up
the colours of our tapestry
we are the true north
strong and free
and what’s more
is that we didn’t just say it
we made it be.

One year ago we were in the midst of refinancing our mortgage. It doesn't feel like it's been 1 year since rolling our car loan and some cc debt into the mortgage.

Has it been good? Well, it's been nice not having the crippling car payments every 2 weeks.

Was it the best thing for us? This question is secret code for have we racked up the debt again...and again the question, was it the best thing for us? Well, our cc's are sitting with some debt and that LOC is still there and we have not made any extra payments on the consolidation loan...

Did we learn? Did we break the rules? Did we do the right things?

I don't know. We did what we thought was right at the time. It helped ease the financial burden while we underwent job losses and financial uncertainty. For sure we didn't follow the rules. We acquired new debt. Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think we still have our heads buried in the sand.

I spent the better part of last week making 7 papier mache piggy banks for my Church Service today.