nevermind.

i look back at old posts and it's all the same stuff, y'know.

it makes me sad.

todays eats:

1 granola bar
chicken breast with salsa and tomatoes and pasta
topped with cheese
1/2 toblerone chocolate bar
2 diet cokes

no water

i'm proud of my supper and (sort of) proud of my breakfast. but the chocolate? got to go.

i was 276 pounds this morning.

I'm slowly becoming completely and totally and hopelessly addicted to crafts. I surf the internet searching for the next big thing to try, the next big unknown craft that I could try.

I've got wool, I've got a sewing machine. I'm armed.

Up Next: Frogging a sweater!

i feel safe enough to admit it.

i'm a star wars freak. yep. that's me.

'but uncle owen, i was going to to ta-chi station and pick up some power converters with my friends.'

oh yes.

there is another.

i'm such a freak.

and i'm panicking already. i won't lose enough weight. i've gotta stop. i've gotta eat differently.

i weighed myself this morning and i was 275 pounds. bizarre, huh?

i've got to make a menu of some kind. i've got to make some decisions.

i figured out today that i'm eligible for 33 points on WW. but, i'm thinking like maybe i'd start with 40 points. that's still like only 2000 calories (maybe 2500?) It's still way less then I eat now (I mean now I gotta be at like 3000-4000 calories a day, i just don't want to think about it). It's still on the road for healthier living? it would just allow me more breathing room to um have some slip ups, y'know?

I have made a resolution. and yes, I know I made a resolution last year, but this one is different.

In 2008 I will lose 25 pounds.

Now, I know that realistically I need to lose over 100 pounds. In the past I have always said, "this is the year that I am going to take it all off". Well, as you can see it hasn't worked, so I'm trying something considerably different. I weighed myself this morning and I was 274 pounds. By December 31, 2008 I will weight 249 pounds, nothing more, nothing less.

I spent the last six months of 2007 maintaining my weight. I fluctuated between 269 & 276. With mostly sitting around 273-4 pounds. I think I've learned what I can eat to stay the same and how much I can eat to stay the same.

Now, I just need to learn how to make healthier choices, so I lose weight. I need to learn to make healthier choices so that I become a healthy person. I'm tired of being out of breath. I'm tired of being tired of doing up my shoelaces. I'm tired of not fitting my clothes. I'm tired of being tired.

My 2007 Retrospective

Well...a lot happened in 2007.

Some highlights and lowlights.

1. We bought a house. We looked and looked. & ended up buying a house that needs quite a bit of work and is 100 years old.

2. My Grandpa got very sick and passed away. It was sad.

3. We traveled a bit--If you call Fargo travelling. :P

4. We bought a new car. 2004 Echo. Da Blue Car and we love it!

5. I got the swanky Gov't job where I don't really work but get paid well and for 12 months of the year. In exchange for the swankiness I had to say good bye to some really fantastic and wonderful people at AMVC. That made me sad.

6. I met with a shrink regarding my anxiety problems and even though it was just an assessment it totally helped and made me feel 10000 times better. I am on the wait list to meet with a shrink one on one with a shrink. He diagnosed me with mild OCD compounded by a phobia.

7. We tried to have a babay for the year. Although 'try' is probably too strong a word. We didn't prevent not having a baby. Hopefully 2008 will be our year.

8. Andrew continues to enhance and add to our lives in so many ways. He is talking in sentences now. & likes to offer his opinion. He is going to Daycare and loves it there. He is Gabby's favorite.

9. Steve started a new job as well. It is a job with a potential future and the pay is better. It is not the final jobl, but it is a start.

10. I proved that I work well under crazy situations in the Flood of 07. We relocated, I drove clear across the city and back and then did it all again every day. We set up office in a temp school and then set our office back up at AMVC. I organized the back room and we sent 21 boxes to shredding. I am a valuable employee.

Another horribly crappy day of eating. Burger, Fries for lunch. Popcorn for supper. That's it. That's all.

My body is my temple--is it not?

So, why do I treat it so bad?

Foxy has this to say to another Hitched Chick about being fat.

You know what? Just start with a walk. Do fifteen minutes three days this week. Don't push yourself so hard, start calmly with baby steps. Don't berate yourself. Three fifteen minute walks: that's doable, right? Don't even fret about the food thing 'til you go for those walks - in fact, I suspect you'll find that'll naturally creep in a bit as you start to feel better a little at a time. But really don't try to attack the whole shebang at once - starting small consistently works, no matter what people are trying to achieve or change.

Baby Steps. Baby Steps.

Why can't I just make the connection? Why can't I just eat less? Why can't I just exercise more? Why is MY ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT FOOD? All I think about is food. What I'm having for lunch, for supper, for snack. I think about how much food I'm going to eat and where I'm going to get it from. A5t breakfast I'm thinking about supper, at supper, I'm thinking about lunch. I'm thinking about the next bag of chips I'm going to eat. I'm thinking about the next bowl of popcorn. The next piece of chocolate. Tacos. Nachos. Pizza. Beer. Rye. Malibu. Coke. Root Beer. All. The. Time.

I'm thinking of weighing myself in kilos instead of pounds. & I keep thinking of journalling my food.

Le big Sigh.

I made the blog private b/c it started to feel like I was worrying too much about what others were reading and what i could post and what I should leave out. Now there's no worrying about that. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

I went to the gym. I walked 2 miles on the treadmill. It took about 50 minutes to do that? I ran a bit, walked slow, walked faster, walked slow, ran a bit. I didn't break out into huge sweat, but it's hard to do when it's so hard to breathe sometimes.

We've been watching the Biggest Loser Australia (Season 2) and the show both fascinates and repulses me. The thought of these people being sad that they've lost 4 kilos or 5 kilos in a week really makes me sad (that's like 12 or 13 pounds). While I sit there thinking....'wow! if I could just lose 1 kilos or half a kilo in one week I'd be over the moon. & then I'm repulsed when I think how much is ever going to be enough. The trainers were talking about a contestant who only lost (only lost --fuck) 4.4 kilos saying she hadn't got it yet...well yes, I think she's fucking got it. she's fucking got it Good.

This mornings weight was 272.8.

We're going to the States for the weekend of November 10. I'm excited. We've booked a room and are going to do our christmas shopping and this trip is going to be our christmas gifts to each other.