Why can't I just make the connection? Why can't I just eat less? Why can't I just exercise more? Why is MY ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT FOOD? All I think about is food. What I'm having for lunch, for supper, for snack. I think about how much food I'm going to eat and where I'm going to get it from. A5t breakfast I'm thinking about supper, at supper, I'm thinking about lunch. I'm thinking about the next bag of chips I'm going to eat. I'm thinking about the next bowl of popcorn. The next piece of chocolate. Tacos. Nachos. Pizza. Beer. Rye. Malibu. Coke. Root Beer. All. The. Time.

I'm thinking of weighing myself in kilos instead of pounds. & I keep thinking of journalling my food.

Le big Sigh.

I made the blog private b/c it started to feel like I was worrying too much about what others were reading and what i could post and what I should leave out. Now there's no worrying about that. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

I went to the gym. I walked 2 miles on the treadmill. It took about 50 minutes to do that? I ran a bit, walked slow, walked faster, walked slow, ran a bit. I didn't break out into huge sweat, but it's hard to do when it's so hard to breathe sometimes.

We've been watching the Biggest Loser Australia (Season 2) and the show both fascinates and repulses me. The thought of these people being sad that they've lost 4 kilos or 5 kilos in a week really makes me sad (that's like 12 or 13 pounds). While I sit there thinking....'wow! if I could just lose 1 kilos or half a kilo in one week I'd be over the moon. & then I'm repulsed when I think how much is ever going to be enough. The trainers were talking about a contestant who only lost (only lost --fuck) 4.4 kilos saying she hadn't got it yet...well yes, I think she's fucking got it. she's fucking got it Good.

This mornings weight was 272.8.

We're going to the States for the weekend of November 10. I'm excited. We've booked a room and are going to do our christmas shopping and this trip is going to be our christmas gifts to each other.

Here I am, Saturday night, alone, typing on the comptuer, feeling shitty about myself, and feeling, gross, fat and ugly. Again. As usual. I realize that I'm not doing anything good for myself. That I'm just continually gaining weight and I'm just continually buying bigger clothes. My wardrobe is shrinking dramatically b/c of all the clothes that I don't fit anymore, and my new clothes just aren't cutting it.

My stomach is large and gross and is hanging over me now, causing discomfort and grossness. I really have to be careful what kind of underwear I wear, b/c if it's too high up then my stomach rubs against my pelvis and it's horribly gross. Even sitting here right now I can feel it resting against my skin. I'm not fatter then when I was 9 months pregnant with Andrew. I remember how hard it was to do things when I was 9 months pregnant and how everyone told me how large I was. I'm right back there now. Bending down, bending forward, walking up the stairs, being active, having sex, carrying things, cleaning...everything is just so hard.

I feel so unattractive. I feel hideous and ugly. I am hideous and ugly. Who would want to have sex with someone whose stomach is flopping around everywhere and hanging down? I know he only wants to have sex with me b/c he wants to have sex. He doesn't get that I don't feel good about myself and I don't want to be naked with him and I don't want him to see my body like this. I don't want him to see me like this. :(

I really need to take the weight off. I really need to stop making excuses.

Scratch that. I need to take the weight off. I need to stop making excuses.

I'm making this blog private now.

Ok, so I fell off more then the blogwagon. I fell of every wagon known to man.

I've been weighing myself every morning and I fluctuate between 268 and 273. This has been since July. Is it good that I've been maintining?

Some things I'd like to say b/c they seem to work better when I write them down:

1. I have all of next week off and I will go to the gym everyday.

2. I will eat vegetables and fruit at lunch.

3. I will go to Group Active on Sunday @ 12:30 (right after church)

That's it. That's all.

I don't know what to post. I'm so fat and so ugly and so gross.

My stomach hangs out over the rest of my body. It is so gross. Sometimes I try to will it away.

It always stays.

This update is just for you Foxy.

I don't have much to report. I bought a scale. I weighed myself. I'm now officially fatter then when I was 9 months pregnant with Andrew.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I continue to go to the Gym. I make it to at least 2 Classes a week. I enjoy Group Step and Group Kick and am trying to gather up the courage to go to Group Power.

We move in just over one month. I've started packing and prepping for moving. Anyone that wants to help...just let me know. We have 14 days to move so there are plenty of days available for helping. Hah!

Andrew is 2 and driving me crazy. This is not a good age.

I'm laid of work now until August 7th. I'm bored and want to go back. This staying at home with a 2 year old really sucks. I need sanity.

Steve is enjoying his new job. On the 17th he gets to go on the road for the day to watch an install and he seems excited. One month and a bit until his benefits kick in. I'm most excited about that.

That's about it for catching up.

I forgot to mention that I got a raise! Yep, that's right, I got my yearly bump up into the next year slot. That means like 78 cents more an hour for me! It was hella cool getting my paycheck and having an extra 40 bucks on it.

& as well July 1st we get the yearly cost of living increase. So 17.69 an hour here I come! Woot.

Steve has also started his new job and we are anxious to see how much he will be bringing home.

In brief:

1. The IL's arrive on Thursday. I'm dreading their arrival, yet excited as I know Steve only gets to see his parents once a year. I am worried that I will want to kill them b/c they are here for 3 weeks and yet I am excited b/c Andrew will get to spend lots of time with his grandparents (& hopefully this means Mommy will get to go to the Gym more often).

2. I did not weigh in this week as my weigh in partner was in Minneapolis getting rained on. I think this is for the best, as I am pretty sure I am just gaining more weight.

3. I have now been to the Group Step and Group Kick class at Shapes and I quite enjoyed the classes. I'm sore as Fuck but wanting to go back. That is definitely a good sign. I've been to the Group Kick class twice now and I'm starting to get the hang of the moves. I want to try the Group Centergy class next.

4. We have bought a house. Moving day is August 15th. I'm stressing about money and moving and all that stuff. Our lease runs up August 1st and I was in a right panic b/c we were not going to have anywhere to live for 15 days but luckily our building is going to let us stay until September 1st. Phew.

5. The other secretary at my school went for a job interview for a kick ass job today. I feel bad but I don't want her to get it, I don't want to risk having to work with someone new who I might not get along with and might be crazy. I'm trying so hard to be positive for her, when all I want to do is not let her go.

6. Foodwise things have been so-so. We have defiintely ate out less in the last 2 weeks. I have been eating lunch at work that I have prepared and brought with me. I have had breakfast the last few days. But I still crave burgers and fries and that is what we've been eating when we've gone out. So not a good choice. :(

Well, I'm still here. I'm still plugging away. Still gaining weight, instead of losing it. *sigh*

The more I think about losing weight, the more I gain.

I need some kind of new plan but I don't know what. *sigh*