in some ways, in some days, in some fashion i think God is calling me to ministry. i have absolutely no idea why he (she?) would be doing this as i am certainly not what you would call devout or obedient or willing to take a vow of poverty (for example).

years ago i took this crazy religious studies degree at the u of w. it was really quite silly how i ended up majoring in religious studies. in my first 'year' (really two years cause i went part time) i took a variety of courses in a variety of faculties and my intro to the bible course was one of the ones i did the best in (without being completely bored to tears) so i decided to major in it. at that point i'd already dismissed english, anthropology, sociology and i very briefly considered philosophy. i ended up doing quite well in religious studies. i enjoyed the material, i discovered dinah (i'll have to post more about her later), the profs seemed to like me, i liked talking about it with people, and people seemed to like talking about it to me. the faculty was small--okay miniscule. there were 12 religious studies students and the year i graduated so did 8 others. that left 4 to carry the torch. hah!

after i finished the BA and got over my crisis of faith (it's something every religious studies students goes through) i started taking my masters of divinity. it didn't go well. of course i was working full time, had a child living at my house, a spouse that was a student, a mortgage and bills to pay. this led to me taking a course that 'fit the timetable'. bad move. it ended up being an upper level seminar class taught by a prof from the states. i was intimidated (heck, some of the students were minsters already--wtf was i doing in this class). i was scared (i knew nothing of the material they were discussing). i was horrified (one woman kept talking about demons were possessing her clients at a girls group home--how could i be around these people?). i was terrified (the second assignment was to critique an unfinished chapter of the prof's latest book--double wtf?). i was confused (most of the students did not have a religious studies background...they wanted to talk theology, something i knew nothing about. i knew all about Q and Qumran and the Gnostics...not theology). my insecurities went on and on. i wrote some papers (one about dinah, of course), did the critique, and was finding my groove. the prof was very impressed at how well i was doing seeing as how it was my first masters course and he thought i should go to indiana and study at the college he was from. i was thrilled! i was stoked! & then my 10 year relationship ended. my life fell apart. i was sad and depressed. i couldn't focus. i couldn't write the final essay. i got extensions...but still couldn't do it.

my life moved away from church and religion and thelogy and moved towards drinking and smoking and partying. i took the next 2 years off. sure, i attended church and sat on some committees...but my heart wasn't really into it. i got bored and didn't want to go to Council meetings. i mean, how could I? Council was on Wednesday night...that was karaoke night not church night.

then i met steve. we had the whirlwind romance, got pregnant, got married, got old. it was all a blur. i returned to my church and was diligent about attending and helping. it was fun. i was chair of some committees. turned the tables and set things in motion for them. but there was so many politics and sad things that happened that i needed a break. i was glad when we moved and i could attend a new church anonymously. anonymity was wonderful. i could go and listen and sing and reflect and not have to deal with terminating peoples employment, sinking finances, crabby old people, lack of funds, etc.

but now anonymity doesn't seem enough...hence the discerning bit.

so that's the long story of how i got to here. now i have to figure out what it all means to me...and the big guy (girl?) upstairs.